#and ive been super exhausted lately so do let me know if there are better organizations i can promote

[forgotmynametag]

Got stuck working but ITS HERE my annual bday drawing at the beginning of pride month bc theyre both the same day, my catchphrase 'coincidence? i think not'. I think younger me would be proud to know i finally made it out west, feels freeing in a way.

BUT. truthfully, more importantly, i only got one wish for this year and that is for eyes and actions right now for LIBERATION.

I want a FREE PALESTINE. A FREE CONGO. A FREE SUDAN. Those being but a few of many. While we enjoy pride month we must remember we are not free nor safe until we are ALL safe. Pride isn't pride without EVERYONE.

So check out these links (x) (x) (x) and major organizations like the PCRF and PRCS for easy to donate resources and charities that do good work and help make that difference each day even just with the spare change you can give. Stay safe, have a lovely pride, and don't forget that we still mourn the dead and fight like hell for the living, remember- stonewall wasn't peaceful so get LOUD

[snakes-on-skates]

let me cook‼️

wanted to make sure i gave the other characters some attention ^w^ (since i usually only draw pal, percy and charlie)

artist notes under the cut :p

this was originally supposed to be a sketch TwT coloring and lining four(/five if u count the poodles) whole drawings is exhausting

i really really love the percy one specifically im a lot better at drawing him than the others imo

poses and expressions n stuff are inspired by the voice reveal video! i thought the dialogue was funny lol

i have all the lineart in black on the same layer when i do these and just use alpha lock to color it as the last thing i do (besides the backround/watermark) so the poodles were SUCH A PAINN ALL THOSE TEENY LINES RIGHT UP AGAINST EACHOTHER... i brought it upon myself tho so lol

also rowen was a pain in the ass as well qwq the sketch was really fun and then i had to color it and i died (and i dont even like it because he doesnt look right imo. i feel like i hit him with sandpaper for five hours. does that make sense. hes sanded down.)

i hate doing lineart so ive just been cleaning up my sketches to use as lineart but some of the spots on this are still really rough... like percy's hand.... agh

ik i complain a lot but im still happy with it :3

i want yall to know i stayed up an extra hour to finish and post this its past midnight rn

also whoops i keep posting art like super late for some reason

also i know her name probably isnt just "mother" its like marylin or something i just didnt feel like checking

[onlinekitsune]

hii! i saw your requests were open but please ignore if they aren’t :)

this would be for zen!

my brain is braining abt an mc that’s a kpop idol, and she’s kind of similar to wonyoung from ive? like she’s a really popular idol who’s known for being really elegant and pretty? But like behind the scenes she’s like super laid back to kind of cope with always having to be so graceful and perfect for cameras? how would zen do with an mc like that?

hiii!! so so sorry for getting to this late! i'm a bit rusty with writing but this is such a cute concept!! i really hope i did it justice.. thank you for entrusting me with it and i hope you enjoy! inspo taken by fallin' flower by seventeen (not proofread, sorry!!)

FALLIN' FLOWER

"I was living in a moment, but I met you and I realized that everything has a reason."

You let out a soft sigh, letting it drift away along with the breeze. You had your fair share of kdrama's here and there. You knew how filming could be, especially while putting up a persona. You leaned your body against the railing, looking at the lake in front of you. At least the universe was on your side, with your co-star requesting an abundance of breaks today. "Hey..." a soft voice approached beside you. Speaking of your co-star, here he was. Zen Hyun. Debuting at a small local theater as a musical actor to now becoming one of the most upcoming actors. And for a good reason too, he wasn't only handsome but incredibly talented for being self taught. "I hope I'm not intruding... I just wanted to check up on you."

You snapped back to reality, quickly turning towards him. You did a curtsy bow before flashing a small smile. "O-Oh! Yes! Please don't allow me to worry you, Sunbae. I hope you're doing okay as well!" you replied, fixing your posture. You clasped your hands in front of you, taken off guard. Zen tilited his head slightly and let out a small chuckle. You felt your heart race a bit, and the feeling of embarrasment rose to your cheeks.

"You can just call me Zen. You don't have to be so formal, we're co-stars now!" He smiled, before leaning against the railing. His gaze slid to the lake. You grabbed the railing, a bit unsure of how to proceed. "I hope you don't take this rudely but, you seem a bit... off today. Are you sure you're alright?"

You hesitated. You know the professional thing was to just suck it up and gracefully deny any negative feelings. Your agent had prepared you for this. But... there was just something about him. A warmth that not many people had. Especially in an industry like this. Despite all your training and better judgement, you let yourself go. You leaned yourself against the railing besides him, taking a deep breath, allowing the fresh air to fill your body.

"It's nothing too serious so don't worry too much." You began, still unsure why you're opening up to him. "You're an actor.. I- I'm sure you know how the spotlight is. You're expected to act a certain way because that's what you're told to do. I used to think nothing of it, really. But... lately it's been exhausting."

Your gaze met his, seeing him nod and listen to every word with care. You could tell with just a glance that he was digesting all your words, truly taking the time to listen and understand. Your heart fluttered. You weren't used to this level of empathy and it made you a bit nervous.

"Don't get me wrong, I-I'm like not a rude person or anything like that! You know... I just would like to be myself. But, what am I complaining about! I'm an idol. I'm appearing in a kdrama. I'm sorry.." You started to ramble, letting your nerves get to you. You turned your gaze away from Zen. Now truly embarrassed for saying your feelings. "I shouldn't have said.. all this. We only met recently. I apologize. i should-"

"Hey... Hey. It's okay" Zen interrupted, placing a hand on yours. "As easy as it sounds, the spotlight can be exhausting. Especially with putting up a persona like you have." Your eyes met his once again, now taking in how gorgeous he was. He really wasn't like the usual actor or any talent you've met before. "If it helps, I can get more breaks between filming."

"You don't have to do that for me, Zen.."

"It's nothing, don't worry." He added, moving his hand from yours. He gently tossed your hair, leaning back on the railing again. "I'd rather have you be comfortable. It makes everything easier and makes the show play out better."

"You're so different from the other actors, you know." You stated, leaning beside him on the railing.

"I-Is that a good thing?" he chuckled, glancing over to you.

"I didn't mean it in a bad way. It's just... you seem to care more about your... co-stars and staff. It's... refreshing. Sweet."

"I could say the same to you. You know how some idols can be behind the scenes. I'm glad we got paired together."

Your heart fluttered once again. He was just too good at making you feel comfortable to let your guard down.

"I hope you don't find this... too forward but.. I'd like to spend more time with you. I feel like it'd help our chemistry on stage and... it might help you feel more... yourself?" Zen suggest, turning more towards you. Despite his confident aura, you felt the slight bit of anxiety from him.

"Are you asking me on a date now?" You joked, letting a small smirk shift onto your lips. Zen's eyes widen, slightly panicking. He began to start saying something before you added more. "I'm joking! I would like that. It'd be nice to have more... genuine friends you know?"

You slighly nudged into him, as a warmth filled you. You were content. Happy even. Funny how a simple conversation could affect someone so easily. Before you were able to get too comfortable, the director called everyone back.

"Here," You said, handing him your phone. "I can text you my schedual when we're done filming and we can plan something?" He nodded and quickly typed in his number. As he handed your phone back, you gave him another grateful smile. "Thank you... again. For listening to me."

[guardian5tiger3]

Hey Guardian Tiger,

It's Fae her, from 5'2 club🤭, I'm 5'2,too 🤍🤍🤍

I hope your free readings are still open cuz as I was reading your collective readings they resonated with me so much. I mean they were so correct with 3D reality. Some readings especially were describing the current state of mine. So I hope I'm not that late to join.

Babe, I'm struggling with that infectious disease of love and it's making me wither, literally

But I won't take your time talking about this negative aspects. So I want to ask you about the connection between A and me. "our connection from A's point of view and what would he tell me if he could be more emotionally open, are we meant to be together"

Thank you in advance honey I know how intense energy it requires to do these reading and how exhausting it may get to tap into other people's energies. So appreciate your time and work so much🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤

Hey hey! I'm glad messages are resonating! That means you're family here! I've been there with love. Matter of fact.. I am just getting some love issues myself! I got you honey!

This person sees it as them trying to focus on themselves way more than this connection. He would tell you he's fine and dandy cause he has "better things to focus on"🤦🏽‍♀️if this isn't something he didn't just say. So careless. This person is the type to be competitive in dumb ways with people they shouldn't be competitive with. You guys came out represented by the sun and the moon literally. So somehow there is some connection even though there's always some level of distance. Super bizarre. I am so sorry. I asked spirit what I could say to help and they said they just want you to forget them and move on. You need to maybe do some cord cutting cause they metaphorically or even literally put you under some kind of spell they could have just said something that has this going on the way it is. I do not like this person. And you know Ive fallen for people who I thought were someone so good and they have turned out to be horrible people on the inside and how was I to know? I'm not saying this person is horrible , that's my past situations, but they are coming out as super cold and almost cruel. Forget them. Definitely focus on yourself and Im being told building up hobbies. You need to look at yourself for who you really are and respect yourself for how beautiful and wonderful you really are especially in your heart. I get a lot of energy from your middle yellow chakra okay. So I would look up what that means.

I love to give people good news and I'm so sorry it went this way but I'm glad youre getting the truth. Come back and let me do a reading for you on a real love in your life maybe? You can ask anything you want though, for self development, how to cut off someone's energy, you can ask about who you will marry. Whatever you want. I feel bad because I know, heartbreak is heartbreak. You are loved .

[actualbird]

Vyntem... thoughts?

hi anon!!! pls kno that this ask's wording made me laugh cuz it felt like this

but yes, some THOUGHTS cuz ive been thinking about them lately

assorted vyn/artem thoughts

wc: 1k

zero awareness on how their relationship is progressing

one reason, among many, that i love vyntem is cuz both of them see their relationship development as the "enemies to friends to lovers" trope which is True.

but vyn thinks theyre in the enemies stage for far too long even once him and artem are already hanging out doing groceries together. vyn appreciates artem's input on quality ingredients and which ones go good together. vyn, of course, Knows Food Well. but the selection at stellis groceries is still not what he grew up being familiar with, so he still has to have trial and error periods. but vYN? EXPERIENCING ERROR?? HE'D RATHER SET HIMSELF ON FIRE. so he and artem start doing groceries together, but it's Not because theyre friends. it's a mutually beneficial relationship because vyn gets to acquire more grocery savvy knowledge and also he gets to see how artem's mind Works (in....grocery aisles.....) which is important for......reasons....like getting the upper hand, on artem, of course. like, vyn and artem will already be firmly in the Friends territory of the trope and vyn is still 100% certain they are Enemies

artem, on the other hand, will think theyre in the Friends portion even after he and vyn have kissed and start going on legitimate dates. this is how friendship works, sometimes, right? it's just...friend things, right?

it's excruciating all around

-

cooking setup

let's go back to cooking: one would think that vyn and artem in the kitchen is an unbeatable culinary powerhouse of deliciousness, yea? theyre both Really Good Cooks. but their skill is negated by the fact that when theyre in close proximity of each other, neither of them can resist passive aggressive micromanaging comments about the other's process

this starts out when theyre still (actually) in the enemies phase but then once they start getting more comfy with each other, they both start doing it as their way of helping

but end up backseat driving, just in the kitchen KJBKSJBKGSD. so they cant be cooking at the same time in the same place.

artem takes breakfast duty (and packing up leftovers for lunch) cuz vyn is either still dead asleep in bed or, if he does wake up, is too groggy to give input, he just wants food and morning tea. vyn takes dinner duty cuz by that point, artem is either still working like a madman on his tablet or hes exhausted and zoned out on a nearby couch.

vyn and artem tumble into domesticity, completely unaware that theyve begun acting like an old married couple---

-

---OH OR AN OLD DIVORCED COUPLE THATS FALLING FOR EACH OTHER AGAIN

Are They Exes?

like, listen. vyn and artem give me the same vibes as redd and tom nook from animal crossing. in the sense that like, everything about them makes sense if you assume theyre exes

THEY ALREADY ACT LIKE IT IN CANON KAJFBSJ, but thats jus me putting on my shipper goggles. my ideal situation is that theyre not exes but Everybody Else Thinks They Are. thus resulting in the hilarity of like, other ppl interpreting their slow "enemies to friends to lovers" development as "oh my god theyre making amends and starting anew with a relationship stronger than ever!"

luke, misinterpreting everything so much: im really glad you and artem are patching things up vyn: hm? luke: i mean, i dunno how you two split the first time and thats! none of my business! but it's super obvious things are getting better and i hope that whatever happens, both of you will be happy :') vyn: what on earth are you talking about? nevermind. i have to go now, artem and i are going to the farmer's market luke: :'D vyn: yes, i will be using the excursion to get a better vantage point on the inner workings of his mind luke: and his heart :'D? vyn: what??

both of them leave this conversation confused but thats okay, vyn and artem still go to the farmer's market and debate about gourds.

-

so vyn and artem's parents live in the same neighborhood

vyn and artem's parents are canonically implied to live in the same neighborhood (see: Big Data Lab entry for Hemingway Heights, IT'S REAL, IT'S THE BEST) and ive taken this to mean "oh hell yea, mrs. kimberly an garner is VYN'S NEIGHBOR" leads me to this mental image scenario

vyn and kim somehow meet at a homeowner's association meeting. neither of them want to be there, they both think it's dumb, but they both have to go cuz, idk, they were Politeness Manipulated by surburban moms that if they dont go, theyre basically Ex-Communicated From The Hemingway Heights Community <3

anyway, they meet there and become friends cuz they both recognize their energy of Not Wanting To Be There, also theyre both smart and sharp, and both of them appreciate that in people. anyway, kim thinks vyn is a strapping young lad and starts telling him about her son whos been single for 30 DAMN YEARS!!!!

vyn, who does not know kim's son is artem because she doesnt have the last name "wing": maybe he is not looking for a relationship kim, so worried about her bitchless son: well, im looking for him. anyway, are you interested in a blind date with him? vyn, Not Interested, because hes already in the slowburn process of courting artem: apologies, but no.... kim, Not Interested in Vyn's Disinterest cuz she loves artem and also has no idea the person vyn is turning artem down for is ALSO ARTEM: GIVE IT A SHOT, PLS, MY SON IS ADEQUATE

anyway, this trainwreck leads to vyn hyping up the person hes courting and kim affectionately going "psssshhh, my son is better" totally unaware theyre talking about the same person

somehow this leads to vyn introducing artem to artem's own damn mother at a dinner.

kim is delighted, vyn is mortified cuz he hyped artem up to HIS MOM, and artem is just lost

-

those r my thoughts for now! hope u enjoy HAHA

[fuzzy-melonlord]

Hi, this just in. I adore Elliott and Sunshine. idk if ive mentioned that before. but i love them so much. So imma write a bunch of little one-shots set before they start dating.

Pairing: Elliott/Sunshine WC: 1K+ TW: Mentions of Sunshine’s car accident, mentions of memories of broken bones, mentions of the feeling of drowning, mentions of nightmares Genre: Fluff, comfort

“Careful Sunshine, if you keep yawning like that you’re gonna catch something.” At his words, Sunshine’s eyes snapped back open to find his eyes on them with concern filling the iris’. They had been trying their best to keep their issues to theirself, after all this friendship was still fairly new, it would be pretty shitty to just drop all of their past trauma on him. So instead of explaining, they simply shrugged and forced a playful grin onto their face.

“Sorry, Moonbeam. Was up super late testing out the newest update of that fighting game I play,” It wasn’t...technically a lie. They were up playing, but that was only because their nightmares refused to let them sleep. They honestly weren’t sure of the last time they had properly slept through the night without any issues, surely it had been years. Yet recently it was getting worse, as it always did around the anniversary of their accident.

From the look on his face, they were almost certain Elliott didn’t believe them. He had a way of seeing through their bullshit like their other friends didn’t, it was probably why they clicked so quickly and why they had become such close friends. Sunshine wasn’t sure if they could call him their best friend quite yet but...he was getting there.

It was silent between the two for a moment, Elliott resting his elbow on the table and cupping his cheek in his hand as he kept his gaze on them.

“I’m gonna call bullshit on that, something’s up,” He bluntly declared, not bothering to sugar coat the words as he attempted to get them to admit that something was wrong, “You know, you can talk to me about stuff. It’s not gonna bother me. Friends are supposed to, like, listen and help each other. You know?”

Sunshine pondered the words for a moment, before stubbornly shaking their head.

“It’s nothing really. Just some silly nightmares,” they weren’t exactly silly, but they were trying to downplay just how much impact these dreams had on their life. Constantly reliving that care crash, feeling their bones breaking upon impact, the water of the river of death filling their lungs as they struggled to stay above the surface. It was exhausting just remembering it.

A look of recognition flashed across Elliott’s face as he listened to their words. Hearing that simple phrase, he knew what he would be doing tonight. His friend had no idea of his abilities but he would be certain that they would benefit from them starting today. He could tell they were probably downplaying the severity of them, stubbornly putting on a brave face to seem like they could handle things when in reality they were being suffocated by their fear. He could tell from the look in their eyes as they mentioned them, there was more to this story then they were letting on.

“If you say so Sunshine.” but of course, Elliott knew better and he had a plan.

That day, instead of just chilling like they had originally planned on, Elliott dragged them on all kinds of wild adventures. Out to a Roller Skating rink, to an arcade, and as the sunset they ran around like children in a nearby empty playground. All in an attempt to exhaust them. He had a hunch that they would have probably just tried to pull an all nighter if they could, this was his way of guaranteeing that they would go to sleep so that he could do some...investigating. So after the wild adventures of the day, they ended the night by watching some movies and having dinner at his apartment. As the night grew later, he watched their yawns grow deeper and could tell that he had them right where he wanted them (which, when he thought about it like that...it made him sound like some kind of creep...)

"You know, you can just crash on the couch tonight," he offered, standing up from aforementioned piece of furniture. Watching them out of the corner of his violet eyes, he could see the tug of war happening in their mind. The way they wanted to accept his offer and yet reject it and return to their own home. Unknowing of the true struggle inside of their mind. On one hand, they had hated driving at night after the accident, but on the other hand, they were concerned they would wake up screaming and that because of it Elliott would think they were weak. They waffled on the decision for a while before deciding to take him up on the offer. They would rather the chance of having a nightmare here, than driving at night and potentially re-enacting the accident all over again.

Elliott resisted pumping his fist up in victory at a plan well accomplished, and quickly grabbed them some spare pj's that he thought would fit them before settling down for the night.

It took a while, but eventually when he felt out for their dreamscape he finally found it. Obviously, they had done their best to fight sleep and failed. So he lingered just on the edge of their dream making sure not to invade it or watch as he wanted to respect their privacy. It was fine for a few minutes, but soon he felt the lingering dark feelings, the terror that began when Nightmares crept inside. It was exactly what he had anticipated, so Elliott did what he does best. He fixed them, let his magic seep through the cracks of their psyche and nudged the dream into a better and more calming direction. When he was positive that the nightmares had subsided, he pulled back into himself. Satisfied with his task complete, and now preparing himself to continue this task as long as they needed him to. Knowing that eventually, their brain would take over and begin nudging nightmares away on their own, but until then he would be there.

The next morning, Sunshine woke up feeling more rested than they had felt in years and it showed. They were practically bounding around his apartment, helping him make breakfast, bumping their hip playfully with his, and Elliott swore he had never seen their smile shine so beautifully. Did they always look this adorable? The answer was yes, but now they seemed to almost be shining as brightly as the nickname he had given them. It only helped to confirm his decision to help them, to do what he knew he could do even if they would never know. Or...well, he could always put in a request to tell them? Though even if he did, he probably wouldn't tell them about his assistance. Either way, not matter what he decided he was just grateful that they would be able to rest peacefully from now on. He cared dearly about them, and they deserved a good night sleep. Even if he had to force their mind to let that happen.

It was the least he could do.

After that night, sleepovers at either of their places became a rather regular occurrence. Sunshine would never admit it, but Elliott made them feel safe. So they played it off as if it has simply become a tradition. Though the fact that they never denied him when he asked to cuddle, the fact that they always leaned into his touch gave away that it was becoming more. He had become a space of safety, and someone they couldn't see their life without. He had slowly turned into their best friend and that was honestly all they could ask for. They were the happiest they had been in years and they knew, it was all because of Elliott's influence of their life, the way he joked and made them feel like everything was okay. Even in those times where he was an ass and decided it would be hilarious to tickle them. He made them happy, and they could only hope that he felt the same way about them.

[abandoned-ax]

I’m on the team - pt 3

Pt 1 pt 2 pt 4

Summery: the first day of training camp!!

Tw!!! scratching (self harm scratching), panic attack

It’s strange, over the week the team has been super busy, practicing and studying. I helped Tsuki with Hinata and Kageyama trying to make sure they pass there exams, Iv gotten pretty close with the two, there both really fun, and watching them both struggle with classes and Tsuki scolding them is super funny. Sadly the two didn’t pass their exams and are both super upset. I remember when we were getting our test scores back i rushed to their classroom with Yams hoping to see them both super excited only to see Hinata come out pouting, and Kageyama with this super dejected look like he was super disappointed in himself for his grades. They were assured tho that they would be able to get to the training camp just a bit late!

We’re headed to the training camp, me Tsuki and yams are all sitting together, me and Tsuki on one side and yams on the seat across the isle. I’m starting to get nervous, not knowing how other teams are going to react to me being there! They don’t even know who I am, or my situation!

“Tsuki!! What if their angry! Maybe I shouldn’t have come- or-or maybe I shouldn’t have even joined, we don’t know how people are going to react!”

“It’s going to be ok (Y/N) im sure their all nice.” Yams said with this super supportive smile

“Yeah and if anyone bothers you I’ll take care of them.” Tsuki says knocking shoulders with me giving me a small smile.

“Yeah (Y/N) don’t worry! You’ve got all of us, we won’t let anything happen!” Suga says turning around, seemingly having heard me freaking out.

I sigh starting to scratch my hands a nervous habit of mine. After a minute or two Tsuki notices grabbing my hand giving me a disapproving look. He reaches down into the backpack he brought on the bus looking for something, pulling out a stress ball and hands it to me.

The rest of the bus ride me Tsuki and Yams ended up falling asleep, I guess I tired myself out with all of my stressing.

We got to Tokyo faster then I thought, the bus ride felt way to quick! But I guess that happens when you sleep, it’s like time travel.

Getting off the bus we were greeted by some guy with crazy strange rooster hair, I quickly moved to hide behind Tsuki still scared about meeting the other guys. Daichi went over to talk to rooster head while the rest of us got our bags off the bus Tanaka and Noya pushing me and Tsuki and Yams to “walk faster” and “get more excited”.

I overhear The guy Daichi is talking to saying “ your missing a few aren’t you? Wait who’s the new kid” I move closer to Tsuki hoping his tallness will hide me, “why does the new kid look so scared of me.” all I can think about is what if they’re transphobic, what if they don’t want me here, what’s going to happen when they find out. “I’ll tell you about him in a bit.” Daichi responds giving me a concerned look. Tsuki makes a comment about annoying volleyball guys while nudging me to try and get my attention, he and Yams start bickering a little bit and Noya and Tanaka are practically bouncing off the walls and it keeps me distracted.

We were pointed towards the room we’d be staying in putting our bags down and changing. I started getting more nervous, Iv never met these people before and they don’t know my situation. What if I walk on the court and someone yells at me, what if people start asking questions, what if one of them gets super angry and starts yelling at me, what if the team decides they actually side with them! What if-

“(Y/N)” it’s Tsuki and Suga, the two are standing in front of me, Suga is holding my hands and Tsuki has a hand on my back.

“Come on let’s sit down yeah,” the two move me to go sit on a windowsill I look over their shoulders and see all the guys looking at me, I don’t know why I feel so small now, I know them all, I know their not judging me, but I still feel like the piercing stare I’m getting from them is too much. I see Asahi start moving and coming to stand next to Suga on the opposite side from Tsuki.

“Hey (Y/N) I need you to breath for me ok,” he gives me a really concerned look I hadn’t even realized I was hyperventilating, taking one of my hands from Suga and putting it on his chest taking big deep breaths so that I can feel it. “In and out, in and out.” The two words being repeated like a mantra.

Once I’m breathing slightly better Tsuki starts asking questions

“are you lightheaded?”

“Kinda”

“did you eat this morning”

“no”

“why?”

“Didn’t have time.”

“Can someone go grab a granola bar or something?” I see some movement and I think it was Noya who left to go grab something for me to eat. “Are you nervous about training camp?”

“Yes” I say quietly hoping that only he can hear

“Is it because you haven’t played a real game yet.”

I shake my head, I haven’t even thought about that fact that I’m going to be playing a real game for the first time, the only people Iv played against is the team.

“Is it because your afraid people are going to be mean about your gender?”

“I- yes,”

I see everyone look around, I guess they hadn’t thought this was really that big of a deal, but for me, this isn’t something that happens normally, while they all had the door to this space opened to them, I had to hike up a mountain to just get to the door, and I’m just scared that once I get into the space that they all see as a right, is a privilege that most people like me don’t have, it isn’t a space I’m normally supposed to be in, and once you realize my situation everyone knows it.

Suga pulls on my hands making me face him. “ it’s gunna be ok (Y/N), if anyone says anything we’ll deal with it. You’ve got the team! We’re going to make sure your ok.” Suga says with a reassuring smile.

Noya quickly gets back in the room with a granola bar and a water bottle sliding in front of me to hand them both to me. “Thanks Noya” it’s a couple more minutes that I sit there catching my breath before I give everyone a nod letting them know I’m ok, everyone starts to disperse to Finnish getting ready.

Tsuki went over to his bag giving me an extra shirt he had, just like when I first stopped wearing my binder while playing. It’s a reassuring gesture. I get changed and everyone starts leaving before Tsuki grabs my hand, holding me back for a second.

“Your gunna be ok. I promise. And if you get scared or anything just let me or Suga or Daichi know and we’ll get you off the court ok?”

“Thanks Tsuki.”

Tsuki speeds up a little bit to get to yams and Daichi slows down a bit to get back to me.

“Hey I wanted to let you know before we get in there, there might be a cupule people who know your situation, mainly Kuroo the captain of Nekoma, he’s the guy from when we first show up. And I think Kenma their setter might. Him and Kuroo are close and he’s friends with hinata, and we’ll you know hinata. Other then that I’m not sure, they might have told some others but still I can’t tell you what the rest know.”

“Thanks Daichi, um did Kuroo seem chill about it when you told him?”

“Yeah, yeah definitely, I mean he was for sure surprised but, he ended up just saying ‘oh! That’s cool’ so I don’t think you have anything to worry about there.”

“Thanks Daichi.”

“Of course kid.”

We finally all get into the gym moving to get warmed up before our first game!

—————————————————————

Let’s just say we haven’t been winning much, Coach put me into Hinatas spot so Iv been playing a lot. Honestly Iv been so stressed about my gender that I didn’t have time to stress about the fact that Iv never been in a game before. Iv gotten a few good spikes in and have been blocking a bit, but I’m by no means super good! We’ve been doing lots of flying laps.

After one of our practice games with nekoma everyone was taking a break to drink some water when some guy with bleached long hair came over to me.

“Hey.” He said kind of quietly, he seemed pretty awkward like he doesn’t do this often.

“Hey?”

“Um I just wanna let you know- i mean I’m friends with hinata and he’s told me about your situation.”

“Ah I see”

“I just wanted to let you know I’m chill with it, all of us on Nekoma are, so you’ve got nothing to worry about with us.”

“Thanks. It’s uh really reassuring to hear that. I’m (Y/N)”

“Kenma.”

“It’s nice to meet you Kenma”

“So uh how long have you been playing, it’s just we did a practice game with you guys not to long again and you weren’t there.”

“Oh yeah umm I just started playing only a few weeks ago.”

“Wow really. Your pretty good for someone who’s never played before.”

“Ha thanks, but I really have my team to thank, they got me playing and have been pretty good teachers”

“I hope one of those teachers hasn’t been Hinata I’m pretty sure most of what he says to explain volleyball is sound-effects.”

“I know right! It’s like he doesn’t know words sometimes.”

“Yeah it’s really strange but you get used to it.”

“Haha I guess eventually I’ll learn to speak his strange language!”

“Yeah!” Kind of out of nowhere the guy from this morning Kuroo I think his name was wrapped an arm around Kenmas shoulders.

“Well well what do we have here! Is Kenma actually talking to someone!”

“Shut up Kuroo”

“Hi I’m Kuroo, (Y/N) right?”

“Yeah, yeah that’s me.”

“Well it’s nice to meet the newest player.” He sends me a wink, “come on Kenma our games about to start, it was nice to meet you (Y/N)!” The two walk off headed back to the court.

It’s a little bit later in the day that Hinata and Kageyama show up! Hinata taking my spot in the game, and honestly I’m grateful, this day has been exhausting.

An: hey guys! Thank you so much for reading! I hope you all liked this part!! I’m so excited to keel writing!! I take requests so if you have any please just message me!!!

[the-slasher-files]

ANDREI KULOKOVA HEADCANONS

Clearly I cannot get this man out of my head.. like ever! Honestly I’ve been in a big big writing lull lately and I only want to write for Andrei, so I happy to share these hcs with you!.. hope you enjoy 🔪💕

MASTERLIST

Andrei’s code names in the army were ‘The Wolf’ or 'North’

He has O negative blood type, meaning he is a universal donor. Andrei always (when he is wearing his vest) has IV tubing and needles, just in case.

On that topic, Andrei is very knowledgeable with medical information, he has saved many of his brothers in the army from death. He can save you, but the issue is if he cares to.

Yes he is a very hot bloodied man, but under pressure he is calm and cool, especially with his s/o. Feral rage can turn instantly off if he sees someone he loves really hurt, calmly giving orders and helping you.

Andrei never went to school after his mother died, at age 12. He may not be super educated in math or sciences but this man is smart. Never underestimate him. He can fix a truck, be your handy man around the house, and has amazing people skills.

He is a history buff.. Yup, you heard me. Andrei loves history, specifically war history. After his uncle died he was free to explore more education and he found a deep love in history, learning it all himself through reading, documentaries and listening to people around him. (Me and @horrorslashergirl have a weird AU where he is in college and works in a museum, in a suit with glasses 👀)

Andrei is trained in many things but one I don’t talk about often is bombs and specifically land mines. This guy loves to blow stuff up for fun and has a few land mines in specific places on his land, and abandoned town.

His favorite drinks are a deep earl grey (a Russian blend of course) and Vodka on the rocks.

He loves bath time.. yup a hot bath, even with bubbles he doesn’t care, he loves it.

One of my favorite things about Andrei is when he needs to think or stop his active mind, he goes into his field (usually shirtless) and just stands out there, closes his eyes, enjoying the peace and quiet.

Andrei HATES condescending and controlling people, it brings him back to when he was a kid or in the army. Now that may seem hypocritical but honestly it is not. Degradation is for sexy time and teasing only, and Andrei is only controlling with his playthings but even then he lets them decide and have a good amount of freedom.

Man is a furnace and doesn't feel cold what so ever

He loves action movies, even though he will comment on how unrealistic they are. Also he loves documentaries.

Andrei listens to all kind of music. Mainly rock or metal but he loves Russian new wave and some rap. He also had a HUGE punk phase so that occasionally comes on.

He will do any dare or bet, not even kidding. His army buddies stopped daring him to do stuff because he would just do it. Andrei is a big thrill seeker and will do so much stupid stuff.

He used to have a wolfdog, a brother to Amaria’s wolfdog Dyn. Unfortunately it had too high of a concentration of wolf in it and he had to let it go, but he does still see him every once and a while. He even named him Alexei, meaning “great defender” in Russian. Andrei always leaves one of the outbuildings open for him just incase the weather gets too cold or dangerous. Also he may or may not use him to get rid of bodies, if he sees him wandering around.

Andrei drives a 1995 Range Rover all black with giant snow tires, or his black old Russian truck.

He can ice skate and used to play hockey with his buddies

He is secretly loaded. Yes he has money in his walls and all over the town. Andrei knows what he is worth and his rates aren’t cheap, plus it’s all in cash so there is no paper trail. He is never one to flaunt his wealth, you probably won’t even know until you see him coming home from a mission with a duffle bag of cash, throwing it in under the floor boards.

Andrei had a secret male s/o in the army, it was his first male relationship but they had to hide it from everyone. In a dangerous feral state the wolf had killed him, that was his last undercover mission.

This guy can read people like no tomorrow, every tiny subtle thing you do he notices. Could be the way you bite your cheek if you’re nervous or the way you rub your hands together when excited. He knows.

Also Andrei is very good at manipulation but doesn’t use it often.

He is a terrible sleeper. Andrei wakes at every noise in the house and only gets about 5 hours a night but only 1 hour is actually deep sleep. Sometimes he gets so exhausted that his body gives out and he will sleep for 12 hours fully clothed, in his cargo pants, vest and jacket. However he is much better with an s/o to sleep with, it’s still bad though.

I say this a lot but Andrei has an incredibly active mind, and it’s hard for him to relax or ease up. He uses drinking and smoking as a way to calm down, also just walking into the field for peace.

His favorite food is a nice hardy warm stew with rabbit meat.

Andrei adores just holding his s/o in his arms as on the couch or in bed.

He is honestly kind of paranoid, not so much by himself but if he has a s/o. You can come with him to the nearest town, but never ever draw attention to yourself or him, for your safety. He has people after him.

The wolfs signature is ripping off someone’s jaw or ripping out their spine by gutting them and reaching in.

If you mess with him but he dubs you as not a worthy hunt or not a good kill, you might see a bear trap in your home the next morning.

His tattoo on his left palm 'NO GODS’ is something he got to remind himself that he has control of his life and take his fate into his own hands, not his paranoid controlling uncle. It also holds him accountable for his actions, there are no gods to blame, he did it. The tattoo connects to Amaria as well. She is a lil crazy and does kills for 'the gods’, but Andrei sees that as foolish, he does his kills for himself, nothing else.

The 'grateful for the hunt’ thing I often write in Andrei’s stories is what his uncle would always say to him, with people or animals. It’s burned into his brain and it will never leave him. The words remind him to breathe and take in every deadly detail, that Andrei loves so so much.

Alright time to get.. a little odd lol… me and some friends have an interesting thing going where Andrei has a 'wolf pack’.. Dallas (@slashersins oc) is his husband, not legally, but Dallas wears a wolf ring for him. Xaviera (@horrorslashergirl oc) is Andrei’s soul mate and girlfriend. Xaviera’s cousin Akshay is Andrei’s best friend, they fight constantly but have so so much fun.. plus they fuck when they’re drunk lol. I am Akshay’s 'snow queen’ aka girlfriend. Andrei also has 2 'playthings’ Bianca (@horrorslashergirl) and Sights (@thesightstoshowyou)… the house is too full and Andrei may or may not regret having all these people lol.

[completeotometrash]

Stressed Out (Ikesen Kenshin)

@nad-zeta asked: Hi hi love! Eeeeep! Its been a while since ive spammed ya box🥺🥺❤❤ hehehe! I see your requests are open so i just had to jump! Low key been feeling super down lately and crushed by all the work that needs to get done....... so here i am to ask for some fluff and bunnies to ease the soul❤❤❤❤❤ hehehe could i pretty please request a mc x kenshin comfort fic🥺🥺🥺 lol one where mc has been over working to the max and needs a little break❤❤😳🥺🥺 hehehe if ya need anymore detail or inspiration feel free to dm me😳😳☺☺

Love ya lots! Sending hugs!❤

___________

Ah, Zeta! I love seeing you in my askbox so much <3<3<3. You’re the cutest. I hope you are doing ok??? You better not work yourself too hard or I’ll come over there and suffocate you with my love. D: Or perhaps I will anyways, it’s quite tempting.

Anyways, this came much softer then I intended. But I must say, I’m quite happy with it ^^. Bunny boy fluff onw~!

Word count: 1.4/5k

TW: None

Reader has she/her pronouns

Tired.

Kenshin had noticed the dark circles under her eyes, the way she began tying up her hair more instead of combing it, not changing as often. He watched as the smile on her face changed to only a meek grin, how the light in her eyes seemed to crease. Her energy was draining on the daily, her bones seemingly heavy like weights by the way she walks. He looks outside, watching as the sun begins to descend from the horizon.

To tell the truth, she had not been feeling like herself lately. There was so much to do after she properly moved to Kasugama. She had become more well-known and offered to complete more sewing commissions. It seemed as if there was never any time, and if there was, it would quickly slip from her fingers. She would find herself not wanting to get out of bed in the mornings, let alone put on a fake smile for other’s pleasure. Her eyes skim across the velvety fabric in her hands, dropping it with a defeated grunt.

Setting her needle to the side, she rubs her forehead, dragging her hand down to rub her eyes. The weight of everything was beginning to crush her, it was suffocating. She was slowly losing the passion and inspiration she once felt when making clothing. Trying to find the fun in something when it becomes overwhelmingly urgent is nearly impossible.

She had not even noticed the sound of the door opening behind her, or the footsteps that followed. Shakily she inhales, head drooping downward. Her throat is dry, her hands began to shake from the tension in them. Everything had begun to crumble out of control.

When a strong pair of arms wrap around her shoulders, she gasps with surprise. Her heart races in her chest, threatening to explode. A familiar hand traces her arm gently, bringing her a slight sense of relief. Hot breath tickles the sensitive skin on her neck, lips pressing there.

“You need a break. The sun is coming down and you’ve been working since this morning.”

Kenshin’s voice is sultry, deep. It holds so much intensity that she almost melts into her chair. She wants to lean into his touch, let him take her away so that she never sees a needle again. But her actions differ from her thoughts. Straightening her posture, she cringes at an error she notices she made in her stitching. “I will later, I messed up here; the thread will be visible when wearing if I don’t fix it.”

She can feel his glare even without seeing him. His displeasure radiates off his body in an almost radioactive way. “The stitching can be done at another time, come with me.” His command makes her grimace.

“But it can’t… I promised that it would be done by tomorrow and they’re paying me for it. If I cancel now, what does that say about me as a person? I want them to buy my clothes more in the future, they are nice people. I only need a few more hours and I’ll be finished.” She lifts her needle yet again, pulling out her previous stitches from before. She had previously decided that she wanted to start making money for herself instead of just lending some off of Kenshin is she would be living in the Sengoku.

Standing up straight himself, he turns and looks around the room. Multiple different kimonos hang around them, each made by her with high amounts of precision and skill. It had been so long since they’d been intimate with one another, this was the most he’d even talked to her all day. He kneels at her side, paying attention to her hands.

He of all people knows what it’s like to consume yourself with something. For many years, his entire life was revolved around war and training. Nothing else mattered to him. At the time it seemed ideal, but looking back at it, he knows it was all just pure misery. An unhealthy way he chose to cope.

The woman he loves needs help- it became clear to Kenshin that it was his turn to do so.

He takes her palm in his own, clasping it gently with his calloused fingers. He notices how red hers have become. He rubs them gently, and she doesn’t stop him. She feels as if she cannot, for, the relaxation that encases her body is too much to deny.

She’s missed his touch; it’s been far too long.

Without saying anything, he takes the things from her lap, setting it to the side. She cranes her neck around in circles, closing her eyes. In an instant, strong arms are reaching out from under her, lifting and pulling her against his chest. She feels a tinge of guilt for giving in, but the ever-growing exhaustion triumphs all. She wraps her arms around his neck loosely, letting him take her away.

He sets her down in a chair, and she can hear him begin to pour water into a tub. Her eyes open and watch. “Oh, Kenshin, you don’t have to-”

“I want to.”

Her eyes begin to water as he helps her slip out of her clothes. She gets in the tub, letting the water sooth her tense muscles. Kenshin joins her shortly after, pulling her close to him. They sit there in silence for a while, he washes her thoroughly, wiping away all the stress he can. His hands soothingly glide against her neck, back, and anywhere else he senses even the slightest discomfort.

And finally, she presses a kiss to her temple, resting his head against her shoulder. “What’s been going on?” His question is clear, voice deep as he whispers in her ear. She didn’t know how, but it was as if everything began pouring out of her in that moment. She could feel the hot tears stream down her cheeks, ones he wiped away with the gentlest of touches known to man as she began to explain everything.

She told him about the pressure she feels and the guilt that lingers when she thinks of disappointing everyone. How she’s started to become repulsed by the thought of sewing, and that waking up and getting out of bed has become a difficult task. At one point, her gentle cries became full on sobs, her body shaking more and more.

Kenshin only pulls her close, listening to everything she needed to say before speaking himself.

“I love you with all of my heart, ___. I’d die for you. I need you to know that you do not need to work yourself so hard to make yourself useful. You are perfect, and if anyone ever makes you feel any different, then I will need their name so that I can kill them.” The seriousness in his last statement makes her shiver.

He continues, “Please do not overwork yourself. We will get through this, together. I don’t want you being so stressed out. You deserve a break, and to never feel this way again.” Kenshin takes her chin in his hand, “I am amazed with how strong of a woman you are. You are so strong, for that matter, that you make me stronger. I want to do the same in return.”

 She is truly left speechless. Kenshin was never the verbally affectionate type- or the best with words at all, for that matter. And yet, here he is, speaking from his heart. She turns around properly, looking into his eyes. They seep with love and intensity, boring into her soul. He adores her with his entire being, as he always will. The look alone stirs a warm feeling in her chest.

His tender lips crash into her own, pressing the softest of kisses there. Her mind goes blank as she hugs him tightly.

“I love you.”

“I love you more.”

Being lifted back to their shared bedroom, he lays her onto the futon, pushing her hair out of her face. She smiles, but this time, it’s genuine. Her mind and body feel light again, she feels as if she is unstoppable. Although, she becomes slightly confused when he walks to the other side of the room, opening the door to the garden.

Suddenly, a large flash of white, black, and brown fills her vision. Balls of fluff topple onto her freshly cleaned body. Little noses tickle her sensitive skin, a fit of giggles escaping her lips. All the small furry companions only seem to be spurred on by this, laying on top of her like a warm blanket.

Kenshin can only bring himself to smile at the scene, watching her burst into yet another hysterical fit of laughter. He decides in that moment that there is absolutely nothing better than seeing her smile, and regardless of what it would take, he would always seek to find it.

[smutty-ki113r]

Could I please have a romantic matchup?

I’m an introverted she/her Virgo (Leo cusp) and I'm bicurious.

I'm 5'5 with long dark brown (almost black) hair and coffee brown eyes. In terms of body shape I’m a less extreme version of an hourglass with thick thighs and comfortable size tiddies. My style is summed up as a tired college student who rolled out of bed.

I tend to have a very stoic appearance at first sight, but I’m usually a wreck inside. I’m a huge romantic with a passive personality. I’m so touch starved, I just want someone to cuddle with me and tell me it’s all gonna be okay.

Super insecure about a lot of things, but the main ones are my acne scars. I have really bad impulse control and I can’t help but to pick. By the time I finally realize I should stop, it’s usually already too late.

I love playing all kinds of games, whether it be monopoly, resident evil, or solitaire. I’m one of those people that’s almost always listening to music regardless of genre (except heavy metal). But I’m a super big sucker for a sweet love song or some cavetown. If there were an award for overthinking at all hours of the day, I’d definitely be at least an honorable mention. Super into baking with an insatiable sweet tooth.

My obsession with psychology is also there. Horror and all things creepy never fail to intrigue me. I love the outdoors, but I never seem to actually be able to drag myself outside.

Loud noises and yelling scare me really bad to the point I start to tremble and tear up. But I have a hard time handling silence too unless I’m with someone who can quiet my mind.

I carry a good bit of trauma with me. It can be overwhelming, and there are days where I can’t bring myself to get out of bed. Days where little things send me spiraling and I have panic attacks over what seem like nothing.

I’m usually pretty good with people even if I don’t like them. I have a really hard time voicing my opinion, so I can and do get put in situations I don’t want to be in. I’ve always been the therapist friend even if I didn’t like someone. People I DO like get a million and one chances no matter how many times they hurt me, I just never seem to learn. That means that when I do finally give up, everything has been shattered with 0 chance of ever going back to normal.

My ideal date would be going to a cafe on a snowy winter day. We’d get warm drinks to go (preferably hot chocolate) and then walk through the fancy neighborhood in town hand in hand looking at all the lights. Inevitably we’d come across some mistletoe, and my partner would look at me with the dopiest grins and they’d drag me under it. Oh whoops! Looks like we have to kiss!

I’m literally so worried this is not going to the right place. I’m sorry if it isn’t, obviously feel free to delete it if that’s the case.

Thank you for taking the time to read and give me a matchup <3 Looking forward to it.

P.S I absolutely adore your writing and the blog’s aesthetic. It’s super calming and easy on the eyes.

You’re all good it’s def in the right place. After a lot of consideration I match you with…..💗LAUGHING JACK💗

For a lot of reasons actually, I feel like overall he would be a lovely and caring partner for you.

Touchstarved? Jack is your guy, once you get him to warm up to you that is. He’s been like that for a while and once he finds out you like him he will not let you go. I fully believe he would be the kindest to their s/o to you’re in good hands claws. He’s really attentive and could help you realize that you’re anxious, for the acne scars too, probably holds your hands and gets you to focus on him.

Jack likes games too, probably board games or hide and seek. Anything sort of childish, it’s actually really fun. SWEET TOOTH? Yeah there’s not a better guy for you. Provides you with any and all candy and saccharine things you would like. Jack could drag you outside, probably to the forrest where he’d play tag with you. I warn you, you’ve got to run for your life because once he catches you he will lift you off the ground and give you a bear hug.

LJ is naturally a loud guy but he keeps a soft tone around you, he dosen’t want to scare you. Everyone else, yes. You, never. Trauma you say? Jack has a fuck load of trauma too, you guys can probably trauma bond. But you both take it out in different ways, Jack is more violent, towards others obviously. It would be a nice change of pace for you to have someone to lean on, that’s what Jack would do. He’s not one to use a therapist friend.

For sure, Jack will take you out in the winter and make your the tastiest hot chocolate. Giving you sideglances as he takes your hand and leads you through the snow to a beautiful winter wonderland of trees decorated with lights. Since he’s so tall he would probably hold the mistletoe himself and give you a nervous smile, hoping you want to kiss him. It will be a passionate one filled with joy and warmth, he’s never been happier. He only hopes you feel the same.

THANK YOU! I spend so much time organizing my blog, one day I literally sobbed over my master list because I thought it was disorganized. But anyway, whatever happened to you, I’m sorry, you didn’t deserve that. It was not your fault and I’m here to let you know it’s all going to be ok. Ive got a bit of trauma myself, can’t remember most of my childhood. Your panic attacks and breakdowns aren’t for nothing, and they’re not stupid. I know it must be hard but try not to throw yourself into other’s problems, it can be so draining. I know you just want to be a good person but being the therapist friend is exhausting, I should know. And then you never say anything because you don’t wanna come off as rude and you feel like a burden. You deserve better than people who are going to use you and then throw you away.

*gives virtual hug* it really is all going to be ok, I promise. I love you.

[cant-think-of-a-username]

Hi!! I have never gotten this before so I thought it would be super cool to ask for one ahah

may i be matched to a haikyuu character? 🥺 thank you!! <3

Pronouns: she/her

Gender Preference: male

MBTI Type: I just took it for the 1000th time a few days ago and got INFP-T (but I would tend to also get ISFP dsfkjs)

Astrology Placements: Scorpio Sun, Pisces Moon, Gemini Rising, Sagittarius Venus, Pisces Mars (if it helps)

Physical Description: long straight black hair that reaches the middle of my back, dark brown eyes (that apparently makes me look like i have eyeliner sometimes) with long thick black eyelashes, light-medium neutral skin, 5'5", i apparently have long legs, thick thighs, cute butt (LMAO im just listing wut ppl have described of me too sdfkj), soft hands with quite long fingers, pretty basic body i would say sdfjhsd, and i apparently make things look expensive (i love fashion) i would say the best way to describe what i wear is probably (dark) academia but i like just wearing whatever i like--i don't like to limit myself to a certain aesthetic.

Personality Description: with new people/in first meeting, i tend to be quiet or generally don't speak much but once i warm up to you, im a really playful person or at least i really enjoy acting that way.

im honest but i should remember that my words can cut sometimes (rip), ive been described to be incredibly kind (sdfkh)... maybe because i tend to put so much energy and effort and time into other people or my relationships (friends, family, literally anyone that comes into contact with me for a decent amount of time)

i tend to act or do things according to how i feel but despite having that trait of mine or having that inclination, i can still very much be realistic. as i act according to how i feel, i have been described to act younger than my age and i doooo and i aint gonna deny it pfftt ima OWn That sHiT

i have no problem with acting like a child. i love rain, i love water, i love the ocean, i love cafes or the smell of coffee, i love the smell of fresh laundry and feeling the warm fabric (caused by drying in the sun or from a dryer lmfao) of whatever it may be (clothes, bedsheets) on my fingertips..

i love self development or just trying to be better and combined with me loving or liking a lot of different things, i try a lot of things--therefore not really becoming a master at anything dkjfhfsd. and because of that.. (i think) because i try a lot, putting quite a bit of effort into my.. goals (i have perfectionistic and overachieving tendencies) i guess.. when it fails (ofc) im incredibly disappointed, and become pretty... fucking sad hhh and when that happens.. i start to become more lazy/complacent 🤡

..bonus (if u wanna sprinkle some "angst" i guess LMAOO): i overthink a lot (so i start to have difficulty making smarter decisions or thinking of strategies to solve my problems + i still have a sprinkle of self-esteem issues of course... feeling incredibly incompetent is not foreign to me) so i could exaggerate my troubles or make a problem out of nothing 😶, im quite emotional, i have the "dismissive avoidant" attachment style, feeling hopeless quite often aint foreign to me either 😭

bonusbonus: (wow dont i love talking about myself? sdfknsd) i love corgis

Hobbies: dancing, witchcraft, astrology, divination, spirituality, reading fan fiction (LMAOOOO), reading visual novels/playing otome games, painting, drawing, looking into psychology in some type of manner, netflix, swimming, watching anime i guess, trying new things, learning something (new)

Ideal Date: tbh going to a concert of an artist we both enjoy, an arcade or an amusement park (im like a scaredy cat but im almost 100% sure im more likely to go for the “scary” rides if i was with someone i enjoyed hanging out with anyway), probably going on a tropical vacation (cus, beach anddd water activities), water amusement park !!

A Must Have in my Partner: they have to be okay with me pursuing my goals lol; i already have a problem with putting too much energy into others that i dont get to direct that energy onto myself.. so someone who has my best interest in mind + being considerate of me (because.. of that dismissive avoidant attachment style i would say--im just saying this because its the best that i can describe it) and they should be okay with my childlike actions/tendencies lol (like... they shouldnt be repulsed or something like that--that they treat me unpleasantly because of it or something) (oops i just realized thats more than one when u asked just.. one)

extra information: a short drabble would be amazing !!

sorry this was pretty messy and i pretty much just babbled LMAOO

but again, if ever you get to do this (or even if u dont..)

thank you so much!!!

i hope you have an amazing rest of your day hihi <3

sorry it took me a while ! i was just really busy lately and barely got time to write 😅

hope u enjoyy :)

I ship you with..

Nishinoya Yuu !!

- You are the most gorgeous person he knows ;)

- he literally shamelessly approached u the moment he laid eyes on u

- even with ur somewhat quiet first impression, he never gave up making u eventually warm up to him

- doesn’t really mind brute honesty, in fact he thinks of it as a form of bravery

- he also loves seeing your childish side since he himself has one too

- wanna dance around in the rain ?? he will 100% join u !!

- he loves how determined u are to get better and will constantly tell u how proud of you he is for it

- even if things dont go ur way sometimes he will comfort u and tell u that its completely normal to fail sometimes

- there is no overthinking on his watch !

- noya knows how bad it feels and that u definitely deserve a little break but he wont let u laze around too much, trying to help u get back up on ur feet and regain ur confidence is something he never fails to do

- he loves watching u do what u love and is always willing to join u (not that he is always fully understanding of what he is doing)

BONUS :

Cheering you up on a bad day..

You were getting frustrated trying to fix a mistake you made on one of your paintings. You let out a loud groan hiding your face in your hands in exhaustion, finally giving up. Hearing a loud knock on your door, you tell whoever is outside to come in. “HEY, HOW WAS YOUR- ....day ?” noya looks at you with concern in his eyes. “are you okay ?” “yeah i’m fine, its just that this painting won’t look right no matter what i do” you sigh.“maybe i should just throw it away” “you are not gonna throw it away” he says, his tone completely different from before, more serious in fact. “you might just be tired now, so don’t you dare give up now. you can always try again tomorrow” he says walking towards you and holding your hands in his, a little smile forming on his face. “how about you take a break for now ? the sun is really warm and it’s still early; wanna go swimming ?” You look a little unsure. “you still haven’t used that corgi beach towel i got you” he says, wiggling his eyebrows. You chuckle at that, proceeding to look him in the eyes with a small grin forming on you face, “sounds like a plan”...

[calm-and-wine]

(I’ll give you) the best years

part IV (masterlist, taglist)

Hello and happy monday! I hope everyone is having a lovely day, as you all deserve. I’d like to take this moment to say one more thank you to everyone who voted for my little story for the awards. We got runner up for best sequel (like whaaaaat), that is crazy and I love every single one of you. Here is part IV, hopefully it’ll bring you a little escape. (it’s 9.5k which I think is the longest thing I’ve ever written, but apparently I couldn’t help myself with this one)

PART IV

March 2025

Lucy was familiar with Niall in his recording mode. When he was in the studio day and night, having one idea after the other. But Niall working on music for One Direction was a different story. She has never seen him so excited, he was bouncing off the walls, gushing about studio sessions and laughs he shared with the boys, constantly playing her bits and snippets of what they had been working on. But working as a team with three other guys made it much harder to make the couple’s schedules line up. However, they still made it work, as much as possible. Niall made sure to keep his schedule free for all the Grand Slams and he even managed to be with her for some other tournaments on her last tour as well.

She was more than impressed that the band managed to keep their reunion a secret, mostly working in Louis’ little home studio. Even though they definitely weren’t as watched by the public as a few years before, knowing how big of a deal the band was, Lucy was pretty sure that as soon as people would get a whiff of them possibly coming back, they would go crazy for those guys once again. It was just the magic of them, something no one could explain, least of all the men involved.

Her and Niall managed to meet up in Los Angeles for a little over a week. Harry was there doing promo for his upcoming movie, which he filmed early last year, so he could still work on some songs with Niall, while Lucy was supposed to do two magazine photoshoots and interviews, as well as a talk show appearance, before going to play in Indian Wells. She had done a few things like that before, been a guest on a few tv shows back in England after winning her first Grand Slam, then in America after the US Open triumph, there were some magazine things as well. But since January, after she announced this would be her last season as a professional player, quite a few offers came in. Apparently she was the new sports star in demand. She wasn’t the biggest fan of those kinds of things, they always made her nervous, the only place she liked being the center of attention was on court. But her manager and the rest of her team convinced her to do a few of those, assuring her that publicity like that would be good for whatever she wants to do in the future.

When Lucy finally crossed the threshold of Niall’s LA house (which he insisted was theirs, since they were married and all), all she wanted to do was slide her back down the door and curl into a ball on the floor. She was exhausted. The photoshoot ran longer than she expected, and after that she was interviewed whilst having dinner. The reporter was a middle aged man, not necessarily rude, but a lot of his questions were more like assumptions that rubbed her the wrong way.

She just took off her shoes, when her husband appeared in the hallway, looking all soft in athletic shorts and a long-sleeve shirt, his hair growing longer than usual lately, which Lucy kinda loved. He wasted no time in stepping closer to her and enveloping her in his famous hug, even though she often thought he reserved special tight ones just for her.

“Long day?” he asked, still holding her, her arms wrapped around his waist just as tightly.

She nodded, before admitting, “I actually kinda hated it.” Her words muffled, as she nuzzled her face into Niall’s neck.

He hummed, rubbing her back in order to relax her. “Are you hungry?” He asked, but she shook her head, still making no move to let him go. “How about a bath?”

At last, Lucy pulled away slightly to look at him, her eyes big and appreciative. “Yes, please.”

He planted a sweet kiss on her forehead, squeezed her one last time before letting her go, but not completely, intertwining their fingers and leading her upstairs.

He didn’t ask questions, sensing her mood, mostly her tiredness, and simply falling into step with her actions. She went to the sink to remove her makeup, hating not being able to do that right after the last photo was taken, finding the professional make up to be way too much for her. Niall started filling up the tub, adding her favourite salt and scented oil. He truly knew the way to her heart.

“Do you want some tea? Wine?” he asked, turning towards her, their eyes meeting in the mirror, the bathroom filled with the sound of the running water.

“That apple and cinnamon tea?”

Niall nodded at her request. “Coming right up.”

He made a move to leave, but she grabbed his forearm, keeping him in place.

“Stay for a minute, please? It’ll get cold before I’m done with this mess,” she said motioning to her face and hair, which was pinned up, mentally cringing at just the thought of the amount of hairspray that went into it.

To be honest, the main reason behind her plea was just the need for his company, which she thought he must have sensed, because he linked his arms around her waist from behind and planted a kiss on her neck, before stepping back and perching on the edge of the tub.

“Was today awful, then?” he asked, giving her his full attention and concern.

“Well..” Lucy hesitated for a second. “No, not really awful, just…” she sighed, trying to explain it the best she could without complaining too much or sounding ungrateful at the opportunities she had. “The photoshoot was fine, I don’t love those stuff, but the clothes were amazing and everyone was super nice, just quite tiring though. But the interview…” She trailed off, rubbing particularly hard at her eye to remove the fake lashes.

“What happened?” Niall asked, biting his lip nervously. Lucy got her bad days, everyone did sometimes, but she was usually cool and collected, burying herself under a blanket and putting on a feel-good movie or a tv show, preferably cuddling into Niall’s body as well. She didn’t like getting her frustration out, she did that only while working out or playing.

“I’m just so irritated, baby,” she let out an exasperated sigh, giving up on washing her face for a minute and turning towards Niall. “I knew there has always been a lot of unfairness in treatment of men and women in sports, you know, and I’m not even talking about money, just all those headlines, with us it’s always the most unflattering picture on the front page, we’re always criticised about our looks and outfits first, don’t even get me started on the Serena’s catsuit debacle, banning that was just so wrong. Men don’t get that. When a tournament starts people wonder how they’ll perform, not what they’ll wear.” She shook her head, trying to not raise her voice, even though she felt like annoyance and anger were seeping out of her body. “Do you know what’s the question I’ve been asked the most since January?” Lucy asked, but didn’t really wait for Niall’s response, even though he gave her a small shrug. “Whether I’m pregnant. Because apparently that is the only plausible explanation for retiring. Like… How would that even work?” she asked, throwing her arms out in exasperation. “I’m playing my last tournament in September, do they expect me to play heavily pregnant then? Or with a baby on my hand and a racket in the other? What the fuck even is this bullshit?” She was talking fast, all her questions rhetorical, although Niall wouldn’t even dare to interrupt her when she was on a roll like that. “Men don’t have to endure any of it, everyone just automatically assumes it’s a health thing or whatever. With us it’s just constant speculation about our love and family life. And just… Fuck that, I’m honestly so done with this.” She turned towards the sink once more, going back to washing her face, like she was truly done with the topic. She didn’t even expect any reassuring words or anything from Niall, just needed to let her feelings out and vent to someone.

Niall was quiet for a moment, all he could do while she was speaking was look at her with wide eyes and a pull in his heart. She was agitated, angry and annoyed, but there was also so much passion in her words. So much care, not even for her, but for the number of women that had to endure it all as well. He always knew she was superhuman, but in that moment he was even more aware of that. He truly felt for her, just as much as he was in awe of her brain, her compassion and her strength.

He kept his head down for a second, thinking about her words, contemplating how he could possibly help, whether it was even possible. It was usually Niall who got riled up and went on a rant, not Lucy, so it was a new situation, one he wasn’t completely sure how to navigate, but he couldn't say he liked it. Seeing her this annoyed and agitated made his heart give a painful squeeze inside his chest, having this instant need to protect her and make it all better. It wasn’t a very familiar feeling for him, knowing how strong and independent his wife was, sometimes pointing those kinds of injustice, like when she saw a picture of a fellow female player to go with the article, but it was purposely chosen to be a photo with her skirt flying up, or when she saw comments online how “disgusting” it is when women scream on court after a good (or bad) point, but when the men do that they’re just “passionate”. She shared her thoughts about that with Niall, but never let it truly bother her. But this time, it seemed like she had had enough. And he couldn’t really blame her.

He stood up and pulled her into a hug once again, knowing he was in no position to fix the world, but hoping to at least make his wife feel better.

“I’m sorry. Men are dicks,” he said, which made Lucy laugh. It was a real laugh, the sound coming straight from her belly and making Niall smile instantly, just getting that reaction out of her, which was exactly what he was hoping to achieve.

“They really are sometimes,” she agreed, her face all lit up now, finally free of any make up, her eyes regaining their usual spark.

This was his wife, Niall thought, the most beautiful woman in the world, just like that, with her face slightly red after the wash, her hair still in a perfect up-do and her eyes telling him all of her secrets. In moments like that, he could not believe just how lucky he was.

Lucy pulled him in for a kiss, before patting his shoulder and letting him know he can go get her that tea now. There was no need for more words, she knew she had his support, he wasn’t merely a listener, if she asked him, he would do whatever she wanted. But it wasn’t that kind of situation. The patriarchy could not be changed by him, nor her, so she just tried to let it go, already feeling lighter by sharing those burdening thoughts. Tea and a bath in the company of her husband ended up being her safe haven, and that was all she needed.

July 2025

As Lucy fell down, her back hitting the grass, she could not believe what had just happened. There was no way it was real. Apparently, she just won Wimbledon. Fucking Wimbledon. The most prestigious tennis tournament that ever existed. The one in her home country. The one she always wanted to win, but didn’t think she’d actually manage to. It was a dream she let go already. And now it was a reality.

The whole stadium was so loud, she could barely hear her own thoughts. She sat up and saw her opponent coming towards her with a smile. Naomi was the closest person she had to a friend out of other players and she was very appreciative that they could compete at such monumental occasions, there was something special about sharing those moments with someone you not only had respect for, but also genuinely liked.

“That was fantastic, congratulations,” Naomi said earnestly as they hugged.

“It was a great game, you gave me hell,” Lucy said, at which they both laughed.

She spent a minute taking a bow and thanking the crowd, before she went closer to the stand to get to her people. She started up the stairs until she got to her player’s box, where there was a small door on the side, it was installed a few years back, after multiple players went jumping up and climbing the box, now it was much easier. It was only a moment before she was engulfed in a hug by her dad who sat the closest, her mum putting her arms around them a second later, turning it into a three way hug. Lucy could not keep the tears at bay any longer, she could hear her parents saying kind and loving words into her ears, but she was so emotional, still in a state of absolut shock, she wasn’t able to really process them. They let her go after a minute and all she had to do was take one step to be wrapped in her husband’s arms and crying on his shoulder.

“You mad, mad woman,” Niall whispered with a laugh, followed by a few kisses on her cheek, right by her ear, rubbing a calming hand over her back.

She stayed in his arms for probably way too long, seeing as there were thousands of people watching them and even more in front of the telly, the whole thing being broadcasted all around the world. But she didn’t care, she needed Niall, his presence always calming, his amazing hug and the smell of his cologne mixed with a bit of sweat from sitting in the sun feeling like home.

When she pulled away slightly, his eyes were shining. It always amazed her with how much love and pride he could look at her. Even though she usually looked at him the exact same way. She planted a simple peck on his lips before squeezing his arms with a smile and moving along to hug her coach, Mia and Natalia, Niall’s mum who, for three years now, has been coming to London for the two weeks during which the tournament took place to watch her play, then Lucy high fived the rest of the people in her box, including her manager, Niall’s cousin and best mate and their friends, Laura and Iain.

She could stay up there forever, sharing smiles and hugs with the people she cared about, but she had a trophy to pick up, after all. She actually probably took a bit too long already, because as soon as she was back down on court, she was hurried to the side to give a little speech before they presented her with a trophy. But they could wait for her, after all, she was the champion.

~~

“Shit, Niall!” Lucy called out, which prompted her husband to come out of the bathroom running a towel through his wet hair, while the other was wrapped around his waist. “I just won Wimbledon. Do you know what that means?”

He looked at her with an arched brow, like she was mental. “Um.. A lot, I guess? I don’t know what you’re on about, love,” he chuckled.

She threw her head in laughter, looking absolutely beautiful lying on the bed, in a shirt of his, her skin slightly tanned against the white sheets, her body tired, but her eyes bright with glee.

“Well, yeah, but first of all, that means I’m going to be a member of The All England Club, which is super cool and basically I’ll be able to go there to train or just play or hang out and I’ll probably be invited to matches at Wimby in the future.” Her eyes, despite tiredness, were shining.

“You’ll get a plus one ticket, right?” he asked, draping his hair towel over the chair and stepping closer to where she was. “Does being your husband make me like an honorary member or something?”

“Mmm I don’t think so, babe. You might have to win the tournament for that,” she giggled, when he grabbed her calf and made a move to tickle her, but didn’t actually go through with it. “But I will probably get two tickets, so you’re lucky I like you. But the second super fun part is that there’s the Champions’ Dinner going on tomorrow night. And seeing as I’m a fricking champion,” she said with a huge grin, the words still sounding unreal, “we’re invited.” Her face momentarily changed into one of horror. “Oh fuck, Niall!” she exclaimed, completely horrified. “I don’t have anything to wear! What the hell, how am I supposed to get a dress in less than a day?”

Niall’s shoulders shook with silent laughter at how terrified she looked. “Well, you’ve got quite a few dresses you could wear.”

“Niall!” Lucy reached for the pillow to hit him with, but he was too quick, grabbing it before it made contact and throwing it on the other side of the bed, still laughing. “It’s The Champions’ Dinner! It’s a big thing. I can’t just wear any old dress,” she explained, her eyes narrowed.

“I’m sure you’ll figure something out,” he leaned towards her to peck her lips, before going back into the bathroom. He came back a minute later wearing a fresh pair of pants and shutting off the light after himself. “Oh wait,” he stopped in his tracks, looking at her with furrowed brows, “what about the dress you got for The Brits?”

“Ohhh that’s a good idea!” she exclaimed, grinning automatically. She did more smiling today than any other time, her cheeks actually started to ache earlier. “Do you think it’ll be alright?”

“It’s a gown, right?” he asked, shrugging. “And from what I remember it’s really pretty.”

“Yeah, you’re a bit of a genius,” she admitted, looking at him appreciatively. “I knew there was a reason why I married you.”

“Yeah, cheers,” he sniggered with fake offence, sitting at his side of the bed, with his back to his wife and reaching for his phone.

Lucy watched him fumble with it for a bit, probably responding to some messages, before she got up to her knees and crawled over to him, putting her arms around his torso from behind.

“You okay? Seemed pretty quiet during dinner,” she said quietly, putting her chin on his shoulder and looking at the side of his face. After she was done with a press conference and one or two more interviews after her win, they went for a celebratory dinner with their families, friends and her team, where surprisingly, Niall wasn’t his usual charming self, talking only when asked, even spacing out a few times.

Niall furrowed his brows slightly and reached to put his phone back on the bedside table. He hummed before speaking. “Yeah, just tired. I also have a bit of a headache, from sitting in the sun, I think.” He looked at her and when she didn’t seem entirely convinced, he planted a sweet kiss on her lips. “Aren’t you tired? Or are you still buzzing with adrenaline? Will you be able to sleep?”

She rested her forehead on his shoulder, not wanting to put distance between them yet. “Still buzzing a bit, but I think once my head hits the pillow, I’ll be out, cause I am genuinely wiped out. I think I’m getting old.”

Niall snickered at that, maneuvering their bodies so they faced each other. “You are most definitely not getting old,” he said, putting both his hands on her cheeks. “Don’t forget that I’m older than you and I am definitely not anywhere near being old.” He gave her another kiss and for a second Lucy felt like he wanted to convey something with it, something he didn’t want to say out loud, but she had no idea what and she didn’t want to push him with questions. So she just kissed him back, trying to somehow transfer all the love she had for him.

~~

The last two days, since Lucy’s Saturday triumph, were crazy. The Champions’ Dinner was the best party she had ever been to, even though she was stressing about the tradition that was Champions’ dance, during which the male and female winners were supposed to dance together, but seeing that the men’s champion was Alexander, her worry almost disappeared, as he was someone she’s known for years, him being a year younger than her, they’ve seen each other around since playing as juniors, he had always been a laugh. It was actually incredibly nice to share that night with him, as they were both first time Wimbledon champions. Other than that, she had quite a few interviews and tv appearances as the champion.

So in the evening, they were sitting on the sofa, eating takeaway, because when they finally got home, none of them felt like cooking.

“Niall, since when do we not talk to each other?” Lucy said putting her plate down, done with the silence, but it was about more than just this moment.

“Hm?” he finally snapped his head up and looked at his wife. He barely said a word since they left the filming studio. He wanted to tag along today, it was his idea, but truth be told, he had been kind of distant since they came back after Wimbledon final. It was like he had been swallowed by his thoughts, engrossed in his own mind.

“You’ve been by my side for the past two days, but it’s like you’re lost inside your own head. And you keep giving me this weird look, last night at dinner and all through today…” Lucy noticed those things right away, having learned his body language and all the different cues after years together. But now, she was tired of waiting for him to speak up and say what is going on in his mind. “And I don’t know what it is, but you’ve never looked at me like that before. And I don’t like it,” she admitted, although she never thought she wouldn’t like the way Niall looked at her, but it was very far from his usual soft gaze. “It’s like you’re thinking something over or having regrets or.. I don’t know,” she shrugged, feeling a bit hopeless. “I don’t want to push you, but I’m worried and I’d just want to know what’s going on. We’re supposed to be open and honest, always. So please, just tell me what’s worrying you, baby.”

Niall hung down his head once again. He knew she’d pick up on his behaviour, the same way he could always tell when her head was spinning with thoughts. And it wasn’t like he had been trying to keep something from her, he just didn’t know what to say, how to breach the topic. However, he wasn’t aware she had been worrying about him like that.

“It’s just…” he started, but paused right away, licking his lips, putting his plate down on the table, eyes focused on his lap, where he started fidgeting with his fingers. “I think that maybe you should reconsider your retirement,” he said after a beat, lifting his head but still not exactly looking at her.

“What? Why?” she said truly confused and shocked. He had her full attention even before, but now she was looking at him with furrowed brows, trying to inspect everything about him, looking for any clues he might give.

“Well, do you not want to play longer?” he asked, eventually meeting her gaze, rubbing his palms over his jeans, because they began to feel clammy. “You know you could, the past two weeks just proved that.”

She was silent for a minute, trying to collect her thoughts, think of a reason why he would want her to keep competing. His eyes were darting around, like he couldn’t decide if he wanted to watch her or avoid her gaze.

“Are you having doubts about us?” she asked eventually, starting to mindlessly twist the wedding band on her finger.

“What?” Now he was the one completely thrown off, his brows creasing and nose scrunching, which was an expression he had when he was concentrating, and one of her favourites, but not in this situation. At least the question made him truly look her in the eyes, focus on her.

“Now that we could actually settle down, spend most of the time together and not be constantly scattered around the world, does it scare you?” Lucy elaborated, trying to explain her worry.

“No, fuck, Lulu, why would you think that?” he exclaimed right away, almost offended by her question.

“Well, what am I supposed to think, Niall?” She slightly raised her voice as well. “I thought we were both excited for this, to build more of a home together, to not have to miss each other all the time and say goodbye every other week or month. And now you’re basically saying that maybe I should keep going around the globe playing tennis, being away from you, so what should I think?” She started gesticulating, throwing her hands around a bit, shrugging with that last question.

“It’s not that at all, Jesus,” he huffed, his hand going up to rake through his hair. “I don’t know, maybe you should know I love you, huh? I mean, we are married and all that...” His voice wasn’t particularly loud, none of them were screaming, but they were both clearly agitated, their voices rough, almost piercing.

“Yeah, but that’s all we know. Me travelling 10 months a year, you going back and forth between LA and London, or New York, or touring the globe,” she pointed out. “Trying to have little moments here and there, but not being together all year round. Probably not even half of it. And maybe that’s not what you want, maybe you didn’t think about it, when you asked me to marry you. I don’t know,” her voice was becoming more and more thick with emotions, but now that she had all those horrible, scary thoughts in her head, she couldn’t stop it.

“Stop!” he blurted, not even loudly, but sternly, which made Lucy snap out of her spinning state. “Okay? Just stop saying those things,” his face was contorted, almost like he couldn’t listen to the things she had been saying, like he was in pain because of her words. “What about the months when your knee was fucked up? Didn’t we spend every day together then? Was I running away scared? Did I not love having you home? How can you even… Fuck!” Both his hands were in his hair, tagging frustratingly. He closed his eyes for a second and took a deep breath, before speaking again, this time much more calmly. “Let’s not even go there, okay? Cause it’s not about that, at all. I’d love nothing more than to have you with me as much as possible. You’ve got to know that, Lulu.” That last sentence was let out as a plea, which made Lucy’s heart squeeze painfully inside her chest.

She did know that, of course she did. And yet, she didn’t know how else she could explain his earlier statement.

“Well, then what is it? Why do you think I should reconsider?” she asked, not wanting to guess again, her first theory leading them into a fight.

“Because you just won fucking Wimbledon, Lulu!” Niall shouted, his hands flying up. He wasn’t necessarily angry, but his voice was a humourless laugh.

“Yeah, I know, I was there,” she said with a smile, not really bothered by his outburst. “It was pretty great, but I still don’t see your point, baby.”

He just screamed at her, but right now she was nothing but calm and level headed. He calmed her worst fears that came with his question, so she wasn’t stressed anymore. But he was exasperated, so it was her turn to get rid of any worries he clearly had.

He took another deep breath, Lucy scooted closer to him on the couch, reaching for his hand and tracing figures on his palm in support and reassurance.

“It was your biggest dream, you always said so. And now you’ve done it and you’re just gonna quit playing two months later?” Niall finally asked in disbelief, looking closely at her, as if searching for something, any trace of hesitation. “Don’t you think of other things you could still achieve? What about French Open? Don’t you want to have all the Slams?”

“Niall,” she said so tenderly, all his previous anger just evaporated hearing her voice like that. She put a hand on his cheek to make sure he will hear her every word and see her true intentions and feelings. “Yeah, I won Wimbledon. It was amazing and I never thought it would actually happen. Do I think I could have another big win? Yeah, maybe,” she admitted with a shrug, at which Niall opened his mouth to speak, but she simply put slightly more pressure on his cheek and continued. “But there’s also no guarantee it will happen. And I don’t want to spend another year or two or three or however long, chasing something that I don’t need. I haven’t managed to win French in the ten years I’ve been playing, so what’s to say I’ll win it now? I’m not the best on clay and that’s okay. Sure, it would have been incredible to win all four Slams. But I want to appreciate the success I had, not think of something I maybe could have had. I achieved way more than I ever dreamt of. So that’s more than enough for me.”

Her words were as earnest as possible, her eyes not leaving his, the corner of her lips gently tugged upwords. She really meant every word and a part of Niall already knew that, but his mind still wasn’t put at ease, he felt like his head had been spinning with too many thoughts since Saturday. It wasn’t that he wasn’t happy about her winning, if there was anyone rooting for Lucy, it was always Niall, he took more pleasure from her successes than his own. But this one came with a lot of doubts.

“I just…,” Niall pulled away slightly, feeling the need to put a bit of distance between them for his next words. He kept his one hand inside hers, but the other tugged at his hair frustratedly. “I don’t want you to wake up someday and regret it. And resent me or our life together or our kids for not playing longer, for not going for more. Cause it would break my heart, Lulu, I don’t think I could live with that thought,” he finally said his biggest worry out loud, his eyes beginning to cloud.

Lucy gasped at his confession. The fact that Niall may have that worry didn’t even cross her mind. She was baffled, instantly feeling sick knowing that he’s been turning it over in his head for two days, when her stomach turned upside down just at the thought.

She squeezed his hand to bring his attention back to her, her own eyes filling up with tears. “Hey, come on, I could never ever resent you. Or our potential future children. I love you, baby,” her voice almost broke at the end and Niall didn’t even wait a second before enveloping her into a hug. She instantly climbed into his lap, hiding her face in his chest, breathing in his scent, before pulling away slightly to continue talking. “And even after winning, the thought to keep playing hasn't even crossed my mind. Which just means I’m ready to go.”

He looked at her, in his arms, both of them keeping eye contact, as if trying to look into each other’s souls or send an unspoken message.

Niall sighed after a minute, unwinding one of his hands from around her waist to run it over his face and rub his eyes.

“I just kept watching you being so happy these past days, and you’ve been asked about it in every interview and just…” he shook his head lightly, trying to take comfort in a hand she was rubbing over his arm and not get riled up again. “I’d never want to hold you back, I hope you know that.”

Lucy bit her lip, her heart soaring and aching at the same time. She was overwhelmed by the amount of love he had for her. There wasn’t a single doubt in her mind that he would sacrifice everything for her own happiness. If only she wanted him to. It was bewildering to know that someone loved you this much. So much it was almost incomprehensible.

She licked her lips, thinking over her answer. She knew Niall had nothing to worry about, that his doubts weren’t even a possibility to her, but she didn’t want to make him feel silly, as it was a genuine concern that he was entitled to. Just because she knew there was absolutely no way that what he was worried about would ever happen, didn’t mean he was wrong for worrying about it. But now it was her job to make those doubts go away.

She grabbed his neck and spoke with a voice so confident that it’d hopefully get rid of all his doubts. “Yeah, they kept asking about it, but what did I say to that, hm? Every time they asked me about it, what did I say?” she looked at him expectantly until he sighed with defeat.

“That you’re incredibly excited for your life outside the court,” he said, pulling her closer, no space left between their bodies now.

“And?” she asked, a smile forming on her lips.

“And that you look forward to spending time with your husband,” he answered, his face finally mirroring hers, the furrow in his brows disappearing, his lips turning upwards.

“And I meant that,” she said earnestly, sealing her words with a kiss on his lips. “Cause I do want to focus on other things. I want to go on tour with you, watch you pour your heart out in front of thousands of people every night and wait for a sweaty hug right off the stage, like you do whenever you watch me play.” At that his smile grew wider, his nose crinkling cutely. “And I want to start working outside the court, maybe even have my hand in training another British Wimbledon champion, who knows,” she laughed at that prospect, because it barely seemed real, but Niall squeezed her waist as if to let her know it doesn’t have to be a joke. “I want to have a somewhat normal house life and yeah, have some children with you,” she shrugged, both of them looking at each other with admiration. “That’s what I’m most excited about right now. Besides, you know my knee’s been starting to act up and I don’t want to risk it getting worse. And I’d hate to have to quit because of an injury, I want to go on my own terms.”

Niall didn’t want to dwell on it any longer, so he focused on the latter part of her speech. “Do you think our child could be a Wimbledon champion? Could you actually imagine it?” he asked with a grin, probably already imagining little blond haired versions of themselves running around with tennis rackets in their hands.

Lucy laughed. “Well, I’d say our child could be anyone they’d want. Even Wimbledon champion.” She leaned in for a much needed kiss, but all he gave her was a peck, his head apparently filled with thoughts he just had to share now.

“That would be quite sick, actually.” His eyes were shining while looking at her, not even really focused, like he was picturing their future. “Mummy and daughter. Or son. Maybe you could even present the trophy!” He got so excited, Lucy could do nothing but laugh. How did they go from nearly fighting to making their potential child a champion, she didn’t know, but she wouldn’t have it any other way. “No, but seriously, would you be okay with our child playing? Professional? Would you like to be a coach?” He turned serious, focusing on her once more to gauge her reaction.

“If they wanted to play, of course I’d be fine with it. I’d worry and warn them about things, but I wouldn’t stop or discourage them. But I would not train them. I mean, I might be like a co-coach. Or an advisor.” How he coaxed her into actually discussing it, she did not know, but it was a power of his, making her want to do anything that got him this happy and excited. “But I wouldn’t be able to draw a line between being a mum and a coach. I’ve seen a lot of this on tour, and it’s not always bad, but not everyone is right for that. I know I’m not,” she admitted, shrugging. “But I would never push our children to play tennis. Okay, I might teach them how to play, but like for fun, not as a career.”

To Niall it didn’t seem possible that there was something his wife wouldn’t be able to do. She was a super human.

“I think once they see how awesome you were on court, they might want to be just like mummy,” he said with a grin, pinching her waist playfully.

“Well, let’s hope they won’t aspire to be like daddy,” she chuckled.

“Heeeeeey,” Niall whined with mock offense.

“Get bras and knickers thrown at them on stage.”

“Hahahaha, it’s not actually the best feeling,” he admitted.

“Okay, let’s stop this talk about children, before you get any actual ideas, because I do still have a few tournaments to play and whatnot.” She patted his chest and made a move to climb off his lap, but he only tightened his hold on her, not letting her go anywhere.

“But you do want to have some, right? Like, sooner than, let’s say, ten years from now?” He asked, genuinely curious as they never discussed it properly. Children had been mentioned here and there, but nothing more deliberate.

“Yeah, I do.” She nodded, a gentle smile gracing her lips.

“Okay. ‘Cause I want that too.” He leaned down to kiss her, properly this time, releasing all the earlier insecurities and frustrations into the kiss.

When their lips parted, Lucy combed her fingers through his hair, before speaking again, the subject of children bringing another thing to the front of her mind. “But first, I was actually thinking of buying a new house,” she admitted. “We talked about it when we got engaged and I think I’d actually want one now. I love this one, but I don’t know, I’d kinda like to get a new one, start a proper home once I’m done.”

She loved the home they were in now, it was the place where most of the important moments happened in their relationship, with Niall having it since before they even started dating. It was here where he said he loved her for the first time. He asked her to marry him here. They came back home to each other time and time again here. But it also wasn’t exactly ideal. The problem was never the fact that it was theoretically his house, not theirs. It just wasn’t a house she wanted to grow old in. She loved it, but it wasn’t theirs, not in the sense of ownership, but in a scene of making it personal. She also wanted a space that would truly be theirs, from the beginning, where none of them ever lived alone.

But it seemed like she didn’t have to even try to explain it to him, his face lighting up with a soft smile, planting a kiss on her cheek before speaking. “Yeah. I actually love that idea.”

~~~~~~

Lucy was able to stay home in London for over two weeks, before she had to travel to Montreal. It made her more than happy because it meant she was with Niall for One Direction's fifteenth anniversary, which was also the day the news about the band’s comeback were being released, with their new single coming out two days later. The announcement was planned to go out at 8pm UK time, but they all decided to have dinner and spend that evening together, meeting at Louis and Eleanor’s house. When they arrived, Liam and his wife, Maya were already there, Harry and Ines, his girlfriend of three years, arriving only a few minutes later. They’ve met like that before quite a few times, sometimes with Louis’ and Liam’s kids running around, so Lucy was more than acquainted with everyone, feeling completely at ease.

Even though the meal was delicious, they were all so excited and nervous, they couldn’t even sit still. Lucy noticed Niall’s knee bouncing two minutes after they sat at the table, putting her hand on his tight to at least try and calm him down.

“Fuck, I don’t think I can do this, can we tell the world now?” Louis whined, throwing his head back exasperatedly.

“I am honestly so stressed right now,” Harry joined in.

There was no missing of the group’s anxiety, everyone looking around, checking the time every few minutes.

“The food is delicious, but I think I might actually throw up,” Liam said, his body slacking against the chair.

“How about some stronger drinks to calm down? Or shots?” Eleanor proposed, all of them drinking beer or wine with dinner.

There was an instant chorus of agreement, Louis getting up to fix the drinks. They all moved from the table to lounge on the couches, none of them able to stomach any more food, no sounds in the room other than the soft music playing in the background and a quiet murmur of a few words shared between them.

“Okay, let’s do it!” Louis exclaimed, coming back with a tray full of shots.

“Cheers!” The boys said in unison once everyone grabbed a glass. The alcohol burned Lucy’s throat, her eyes screwing shut for a minute.

“Another one?” Niall proposed, not even a second later.

Lucy shook her head, watching her alcohol intake, as always when she was in the middle of the season, Maya also refused, but everyone else downed another glass, leaving two full ones meant for the girls. Liam and Niall looked at each other, before shrugging their shoulders at exactly the same time and grabbing another glass.

“How much longer?” Ines asked, looking around in search of some clock.

“Twenty eight minutes,” Niall replied after checking his watch.

“Oh, I can’t believe I almost forgot, congrats on Wimbledon once again, Lucy, that was absolutely amazing,” Maya said with a smile.

Everyone in the room either texted or called her or Niall on the day she won, but that acknowledgement face to face was nice.

“Thank you, it was crazy,” she gave a grateful smile, after everyone added their congrats, Niall throwing an arm around her shoulders to bring her closer. She caught the proud look he was giving her and put a hand on his knee in an appreciative manner.

“Do you think we could come watch you play in the US Open?” Harry asked, redirecting his attention to Niall right after. “We’re free then, right?”

“Yeah, I made sure of that,” he confirmed proudly.

“Umm…” Lucy hesitated for a second, trying to explain how it works. “Yeah, I can get you tickets, no problem, it’s just hard to plan it a little bit, because I don’t know how deep I’ll go.” She didn’t want them to be bored at the first round match, but she also couldn’t predict when her last match would be. It still felt surreal, that she would play her last game in less than two months.

“How incredible would it be if you won that one too?” Liam asked with a grin.

“Mental,” Louis agreed.

“I reckon she could do it,” said Eleanor, looking at Lucy with confidence.

Because their bodies were touching, Lucy could easily feel Niall’s body tensing in reaction to the conversation, the memory of their recent fight still fresh in both of their minds. She didn’t turn her head to get a better look at him, but squeezed his knee as a reminder that it wouldn’t change anything for her.

“Don’t bet any money on me, though”, she laughed, before changing the subject. “Are you walking any fashion weeks this year, Maya?”

While she listened to the answer, Niall reached for her hand splayed on his knee, slotting their fingers together in a silent thank you. That’s how they spent the next couple of minutes, trying to keep conversation going, Louis making sure everyone had a drink in their hand. There was a nervous tension in the room, even though they knew what would happen, all the posts queued up, the reaction they would get was a question mark. They could only hope, basing their expectations on previous love they always got from their fans. But it had been years and things changed, yet it was impossible to prepare for disappointment.

“Oh shit, just one more minute,” Louis said, looking at the time on his phone.

“Let’s count it down!” Ines proposed.

So they did, the last ten seconds, just like on New Year’s Eve. To think of it, there were some similarities, looking forward to something new, things changing, entering a new era almost. When they came to zero, you could almost hear a pin drop. It only took a second for all of the guys’ phones to go off, indicating one notification after the other. They were all stood in a circle, their respective better halves right next to them. Lucy had her arm around Niall’s waist, looking through his shoulder to read some of the comments, the whole world starting to freak out. There wasn’t one person in the room who didn’t have a huge grin on their faces. The women look proudly at their men, knowing how hard they worked, how much love and passion they put into the band. It seemed like all the guys looked up at each other at the same moment, taking deep breaths and stepping closer to wrap one another in their famous four way hug. Eleanor wrapped her arm around Lucy’s shoulder, who looked at the other woman happily, noticing tears pulling in her eyes. She reached her other hand for Ines, who also grabbed Maya and they just stood like that for a minute. The band squeezing each other and whispering excitedly among themselves, while their lovers embraced as well, forming their own little group, looking at their loved ones with so much awe, their eyes glistening with emotion.

After a minute, Harry pulled slightly away, looking behind him at the women. “Come on, get in here, girls,” he said, beckoning them over.

So they joined them, each one next to their man, Lucy squeezed between Niall and Ines. They were all holding each other tightly, a one of a kind bond. There was no comparing it to what those four guys had, but they all felt like family. They were all connected and none of them would have it any other way, forming genuine friendships they all cherished.

Niall twisted his head to the side to kiss Lucy on the crown of her head, before she turned her head as well to meet him in a proper kiss. They were both so happy, they couldn’t stop smiling, their teeth clicking against each other. But they were just so ecstatic. There were no words to describe the feeling. And Niall’s happiness was through the roof, because he was so appreciative to share that moment with Lucy. Nothing could beat having her with him, being able to share it, because it felt like a once in a lifetime thing. Having her to support him and calm him down when needed, and now to share that joy with her. He truly felt like, if she wasn’t there beside him, he wouldn’t be as happy as he was. And maybe that was wrong, maybe he shouldn’t feel like that, but he did. Because his wife made everything better. It was that simple. Seeing her proud and smiling, made the whole situation better. Sharing anything with the people you love makes it better. Whether it’s sadness, problems, successes or happiness. And there was no better thing to share than love.

September 2025

It was impossible to prepare for a moment like this, Lucy thought finally walking back into the hotel room in New York. It was after 3am. She finished playing, her last professional match ever, about an hour and a half ago. Even after the little goodbye ceremony after her loss and a press conference, it still didn’t feel completely real. She had quite a few of those farewell moments, almost at every tournament she played this year. She knew what was coming, after all she made that decision in December. Maybe it was because she didn’t know which match would be her last, didn’t know how far she'd go, just happy with every win she got.

She felt such a mixture of emotions, it was hard to wrap her head around it all. The goodbye she got was amazing, the organizers playing a little video of all the years she competed, including her triumph on Flashing Meadows, and messages from fellow players. She felt a bit sad, but she always did when she lost. A bit proud, because she didn’t go without a fight, the match an over two hour, three sets battle. Excited because a part of her was waiting for that moment, when she’ll be able to truly think about the future and focus on upcoming projects. But most of all, she was simply appreciative. That she had such a good season, that she was able to play every tournament she wanted, that she gave it her all and was able to keep playing on a good level, that after finishing this last game, she was able to look out into the crowd (who was giving her a standing ovation) and not only see Niall, but also her parents, Mia, Harry, Liam and Maya.

Once the door to their hotel room closed, Lucy was exhausted. She had a quick shower right after the match, so technically she could go straight to bed, but her mind was buzzing.

“Lulu,” Niall said, leaving his shoes by the door and walking up to her, his hands going to her waist immediately, to bring her close to him, “how are you feeling?”

Lucy rested her head on his chest, quiet for a moment, trying to make sense of her mumbled thoughts. “I… I’m feeling good?” she said, but it sounded more like a question. “It’s… surreal, still. Maybe ask me tomorrow?”

“Of course.” He cemented his words with a caring kiss to the crown of her head.

“But I’m okay, really,” she assured him. “Kinda sad, kinda happy. Relieved?” Her answer was more like a question again, like she was looking for a right answer, but wasn’t sure if it was one. “I don’t know, it doesn’t really seem like it’s the end yet, you know, that I won’t play like this again.”

He hummed, thinking for a quick second before asking another question, “are you going to miss it?”

“Yeah, probably,” she shrugged. “It’s going to be weird, not having to train, no tournaments to prepare for or look forward to. But it’ll be fun to see what’s ahead, you know? Slow down a bit, maybe, explore other things in life. And spend time with you, obviously. Watch you and the band. It’s gonna be good, baby.”

“Will you miss your team?”

“Oh yeah, definitely. But I hope we’ll keep in touch. Maybe work together again, you know, if I open that training centre or if we get someone to manage… Who knows.”

He nodded, “I’m really proud of you, you know? I’m in awe of your decision, to do things your way.”

“Thank you. It was the right call, I can tell. The next few months will be weird, I’m sure, but it’ll be worth it. I’m actually really excited to see what’s to come.”

Tennis was all she knew. In a way, it became her routine. Sure, there were some tournaments changes, but it was also pretty much the same for years upon years, ten months of traveling, playing here and there, hard court, clay, grass, then hard court again. A quick vacation after that before going back to training full force to prepare for the next season. Over and over again. And now, thinking about the future might have been scary, but it was also nice to do something new. Have a fresh mind. Have an option of doing something else, an opportunity to just travel by Niall’s side for a bit. To focus on something other than tennis. To explore what else she might be good at.

“Oh, could you maybe ask Harry and Liam to join us for dinner on Thursday? With the girls, of course. Louis is still in California, right?” She was pretty sure she mentioned something about it when they talked after the match, but her tiredness and emotions made it hard to focus. She also asked her manager to actually organise it, make a reservation at the restaurant and all, so she didn’t know any specifics yet.

“Of course, don’t worry, they know it’s happening, I’ll send them the details in the morning. And yes, Tommo is still there, he’s meeting us in LA.”

They had a few more days off, the guys had to be in Los Angeles on Monday to do some promo for their reunion and second single, Niall made sure to book time off for all two weeks of the US Open, but because she had lost in the quarterfinals, it was just Tuesday, well, very early hours of Wednesday, giving them some time to relax.

“Let’s go to bed, yeah?” he proposed, planting another kiss on her head, her arms still tight around his waist, her cheek pressed to his body, so close she could feel his heartbeat underneath it.

She shook her head slightly, pulling away to look at him. “I can’t, my mind is spinning. I need it to stop first.” She put one of her hands up to tread through his hair, before cradling his cheek. She then raised up onto her tiptoes to join their lips, the kiss starting slow, but growing more passionate with every lick into his mouth. Her hand travelling under his shirt and the other going back to his hair to tug at it slightly, let him know exactly what she meant. “Are you too tired?” she asked parting for a second to catch her breath, before moving to work on the delicious skin of his neck.

Seeing his wife like that always did things to Niall. It wasn’t even about her having very clear intentions, but how he knew she wanted him to take care of her. How she needed him. Lucy was an absolute beast on court, Niall’s favourite text to send her before a match was “go get them, tiger”. But after the game was finished, especially after a tough battle, she was nothing but gentle. In desperate need of hugs, kisses and someone to take care of her. It wasn’t the first time they had sex in a situation like that, her needing to quiet her thoughts, but also to give up control, after having been so focused and alone on court.

And right now was no different, she wanted to get lost in Niall, needing the quiet only he could bring her.

“Never too tired to help you,” he assured, grabbing her neck gently to pull her lips back to his. To Niall, there was no bigger compliment than this, this incredible woman not only counting on him, but giving herself to him completely, body and soul.

And as he grabbed her thighs to pick her up and carry her to the bed, there wasn’t a doubt in her mind, that he would take care of her. In the best possible way.

taglist: @stylishmuser​ @verorax​ @georgiahoranxx​ @exoticniall​

[studiobeebo]

Hey Bee, super excited to see you writing again even if just for a bit! Might I be so bold as to ask for Hawks making breakfast in bed for reader? 🍳 I'd love some snuggly domestic fluff. Also, are people submitting pets? I'm not sure why or if it's a thing, but incoming pictures of my little bastard fur baby.

HHHHHHH VIX I HOPE THIS IS BETTER LATE THAN NEVER TY FOR REQUESTING MY FAV CHICKEN ITS BEEN A WHILE SINCE IVE BEEN INSPIRED TO WRITE FOR HIM  ALSO THANK U FOR SHOWING ME UR BASTARD

Hawks / Keigo Takami

Legally, even heroes amongst the top ranks were required to have days off. An unstable hero is an ineffective hero, after all. For a long time, however, days off were just that for Keigo: a necessary component to be the hero he was trained to be. It took him a while to see days off as most people saw it, a time to relax, even if those days off were usually interrupted in one way or another. Still, that never stopped him from dreaming of a world where he could have genuine free time to fill with whatever random shit he could think of, but for now he was making do with ‘enjoying the little things’, something that you had drilled into his brain when the two of you first started talking, and since then he’d had plenty of time to realize that you were one of his favorite ‘little things’ to enjoy.

He didn’t get to spend a whole lot of time with you, but over time you became one of the main factors in why he wanted to be done with the difficulty of hero work. He liked being with you, as cheesy as it sounded, and he found himself always hoping he’d have a little extra time in his day to swing by your place so the two of you could talk over lame late night sitcoms and some terribly unhealthy food.

The two of you never outright called your little get togethers ‘dates’ and you never even dared get into the conversation of finally calling it how it is and saying you were together, but compared to just about everything else in his life, the issue there wasn’t actually his job, it was just how the two of you were. Despite how cheeky and suave he liked to act, he could never really figure out the right way to go about this sort of thing. He mulled over the idea of just flat out asking or mentioned the two of you dating, he never had problems keeping other things to himself anyways so it sounded like the most natural way to go, but he could never bring himself to just say something. It never felt like the right time and to be fair, you could always be the one to say something too but you found yourself in the same dilemma. It seemed like the two of you were in a constant cycle of ‘Eh, I’ll just bring it up next time’, always assuming but never really realizing how much the other wanted to make things a bit more official.

So that’s how things went and have been going, the two of you dancing around the idea of just sharing your feelings and growing closer in the process. Even with work becoming more overbearing than ever, he still always managed to get lost in the way you made him feel the moment the two of you were together. You, on the other hand, spent your time excitedly wondering when he’d come by next, even going as far as to try and spend more evenings at home instead of out with friends just to heighten the chance of hanging out with him. Needless to say, you knew you were head over heels for that winged idiot and after weeks of consideration you finally decided on saving your confession for a few days before the upcoming White Day.

The idea was that, if he returned your feelings like you hoped he would, you’d then be able to get him a gift a few days later. Cliche maybe, but you figured that would make for an extra special anniversary if things ever happened to get that far. Plus, even if he rejected you, you figured at least that wouldn’t ruin the holiday for either of you.

Unlike you, Keigo really wasn’t that inept at the whole ‘think before you act’ thing in regards to relationships.

He wasn’t an idiot (well, not in this regard) and he knew he had insane hots for you at this point and since his idea of just casually dropping that he wanted to be with you wasn’t coming to fruition, he figured he’d try to do something a little more structured and came up with what he thought was a fantastic idea.

Valentine’s Day was romantic, right? So what better day to confess his feelings? He didn’t bother worrying about the whole ‘what if you say no’ thing and instead started thinking about what he could do to make it less lame than ‘hey we should go out for real’. He started paying more mind to couples he’d see out and about while patrolling and even would watch any of the seasonal abundance of romance movies that he’d pass by while scrolling through television channels when he had the time, but everything he saw seemed a bit too romantic and totally not his style. He wanted to do something sweet but a bit more laid back and with no other thoughts in mind, after some time he finally settled on the classic act of breakfast in bed.

Of course in his plans he sort of omitted a few things that tend to make ‘breakfast in bed’ a special thing, the first being that, well..he didn’t know how to go about cooking breakfast. Growing up his diet was extremely regulated and he was rarely allowed to cook for himself, so the only things that were his choice were snack foods or pre made meals he’d grab from a 7/11. Sure he was a few years out of the constant regulations and overbearing ‘caretakers’, but he was out of the frying pan and into the fire in a way so he never had a lot of chances to improve his skills past a basic enough level of cooking to keep himself alive. 

With that in mind, his plan was to pick something nice up for you and maybe if he was feeling it he’d get some flowers or something as well before finally stopping by and sneaking in with the extra key you had given him to surprise you. You’d probably call him a loser for waking up so early, ask him what the hell he did this for, and his answer would be that somehow he managed to fall for you. It was easy as pie in his mind and he was actually pretty chipper in the days leading up to Valentine’s Day, but things never quite go as planned for him, do they?

For starters he was out much later than he had planned the night before which pissed him off because every little issue that popped up felt so insignificant and not worth the price of pushing back his plans. He wasn’t some narcissistic asshole, but when he’s out until three in the morning dealing with little mishaps that cops should have been able to handle, he tends to get a bit irritated despite not showing it. Still, by the time he got home he barely had a few hours to rest before he had to get his plan into motion of picking up things and making his way to you. He wasn’t even planning on closing his eyes when he sat down for a ‘minute’ and when he woke up an hour or so to a call for aid from his agency he barely had time to worry about what was ahead. Even then by the time he was done as the sun began to rise, not only was he behind in general but the call took him a good distance away from where you were so it would take at least an hour to fly there and even more to get what he needed so instead, in his exhausted state he ended up saying ‘fuck it’ and dropping his ass into a family mart, picking up a bagful of breakfast pastries and coffee, and then rushing over to your place where he was finally able to give his wings some damn rest.

He was relieved enough to have made it a little after the time you mentioned you usually woke up around and being as jittery as he was he didn’t give a second thought to unlocking your door and practically slamming it open in the process before cursing to himself for being so damn loud when this was supposed to be a surprise, but with all his clattering around he spilled still very hot coffee all over himself and proceeded to practically throw the bag of goods in surprise as he cussed himself out some more.

Of course meanwhile all that was happening on your end was being woken up by your front door being slammed open followed by noise and cursing. You immediately tensed as you snuck your way closer to the intrusion, a small knife in hand in the event your quirk was rendered useless. As your heart raced in your chest you rounded the corner before bracing yourself, only for your eyes to widen at the sight of the absolute idiot you had fallen in love with whisper-yelling at himself surrounded by a now spilled puddle of coffee and various packaged breakfast pastries.

“Keigo?!” You practically screamed, rushing over him to see what the hell he was doing, but when he looked up at you as if he should be surprised you couldn’t help but sigh and cross your arms.

“A knife?? Jesus, (Y/N) the hells’ a matter with you.” He said with a smile, only half preparing himself for the huff of annoyance and smack to the side of his head.

“What’s the matter with me?! What the hell are you doing breaking into my apartment and making a fool of yourself???”

That made him groan and run a hand through his hair as he looked around to realize exactly what you meant about him looking ridiculous.

“Well you gave me a key so I wasn’t really ‘breaking in’, right?” He questioned, raising a brow as he moved to grab a kitchen towel to attempt to blot his clothes dry, but when he saw the look on your face that screamed you were tired and cranky and not having his jokes, he finally let out a sigh before leaning his back up against your kitchen counter.

“Was trying to do the whole ‘breakfast in bed’ thing, figured it would be best to make myself look good to confess or whatever you want to call it, with it being Valentine’s Day and all.” 

He immediately tensed as his brain caught up with what he had just said before slouching his shoulders upon realizing that in the end, he ended up going with his original plan of just blurting it out like an idiot. 

You scoffed, bending over to begin to pick up what he had dropped before stopping in your tracks as you heard the rest of his sentence. Now your heart was beginning to beat faster for a different reason as your brain replayed what he had just said as you picked up one of the pastries off the ground. After a moment of calming yourself so you wouldn’t embarrassingly bust your own feelings open like you had planned to do in the upcoming month, you stood up and smiled, holding up a one of the things you had picked up.

“You tried to make yourself look good with store bought pastries and crappy convenience store coffee?” You teased, making your way over to him and stopping so you were face to face with him and that ridiculously annoying and attractive smirk of his.

“What can I say, if you don’t love me at my worst you probably won’t love me at my best.”

“What would you have done if I didn’t love you at all?”

“Pfft,” He huffed, “When you go sayin’ things like that it makes it sound like you do love me.”

A moment later his face dropped and he let out a quiet ‘Oh’ as you gave him a look that said ‘Yeah, that’s exactly what I’m trying to say’. All this time not worrying about whether or not you actually liked him back and him thinking that surely you did since the two of you had gotten so close, and yet when you put it so clearly like that it made his stomach do ecstatic flips not knowing that you were just as thrilled as he was.

“That’s cool.” Was all he could manage to say, figuring he would save at least some of his pride by not going into a love stricken rant about just how much he had come to love you.

“Just cool?” You asked, biting at your cheek in an attempt to keep your smile at bay but failing miserably at keeping your happiness on the inside, your hands itching to do something you had only previously dreamed of as you reached up to rest your hands on his shoulders before actually wrapping them around his neck as he leaned into your touch which effectively bolstered your confidence and lowered any inhibitions you had.

“Maybe a bit more than ‘just cool’. At least extra cool, maybe even insanely cool if we really want to push it. But h-“ His words were pleasantly cut off by your lips pressing against his own, a little desperate and very much eager after waiting so long to feel his lips pressed against your own. He was supposed to be the cool and suave ‘Hawks’, the nation’s number two hero, but just like that he was melting against your touch as his hands gripped your waist, gently at first but giving a desperate tug as you finally pulled away from him and he tried to lean in for more, the only thing stopping him being the fact that he just had to savor the look of happiness on your face that he was sure matched his own as you bit your lip out of slight embarrassment as the wave of ‘I cannot believe I just did that’ finally hit, though to him that look along with the fact that he now knew you really liked him back only made you that much more attractive.

“Sorry..” You muttered, a smile still on your face as you couldn’t help but chuckle at seeing him flustered and looking so naturally himself, the self that you had learned to love maybe a bit too much. “I’ve been kinda wanting to do that for a while.”

If he wasn’t already relieved before, hearing you confirm that you’ve been aching to be his as much as he was yearning to be yours made his heart soar with adoration and a liiittle bit of an ego boost that he probably didn’t need.

“Was it cool? Even without breakfast or the bed?” He questioned, still trying to keep things casual in a way, but with you, even being in a position he never thought he’d actually be in, it was easy to act naturally since he so naturally loved you.

“Oh yeah.” You laughed, pulling him closely into a tight hug that fit the two of you together so perfectly that it made it feel like you should have done this ages ago. “Perfectly,-“ You pulled back, giving him a peck on the lips that felt so right it made you giddy, “Extra-“, another kiss, this time with him returning the favor while trying hard not to let his own excitement take him too far as he relished in the fact that this was real and you were his and if he could help it, there’d be nothing in the world to change that “- and insanely cool.”

[johannesviii]

Top 10 Personal Favorite Hit Songs from 2020

You know, when I finished my latest list and realised every decade had the same pattern and that we were slowly going towards a series of great years for pop, I didn’t realise how good that year would be.

What’s at the top? Am I boringly predictable because I already said I loved that song all the way back in January 2020? Let’s find out.

Disclaimers:

Keep in mind I’m using both the year-end top 100 lists from the US and from France while making these top 10 things. There’s songs in English that charted in my country way higher than they did in their home countries, or even earlier or later, so that might get surprising at times.

Of course there will probably be stuff in French somewhere on this post. We suck. I know. It’s my list. Deal with it.

My musical tastes have always been terrible and I’m not a critic, just a listener and an idiot.

I have sound to color synesthesia which justifies nothing but might explain why I have trouble describing some songs in other terms than visual ones.

So. Uh. How was your 2020?

Mine was actually surprisingly good, considering. I’m lucky enough to have a job that I can partially do from home, and I was extremely paranoid from the get-go and nobody got sick under this roof so far. Turns out I’m even better at my job from home and I got permission to work from home one day per week even after the health crisis is over! My first name was also finally officially approved and I can’t tell you how happy I feel about that. I almost feel bad to have had such a good year considering the circumstances. I feel like an asshole just because I’m happy, haha.

The only frustrating part was that I was supposed to see Hatari in concert in Paris in early April which, as you can guess, was cancelled. I’m not too mad about it though, since their tour was called “Europe will crumble” and the message saying the tour was cancelled started with “since Europe is actually crumbling due to Covid-19″ and that’s hysterical.

Good or interesting albums that came out in 2020 now, let’s see.

Nightwish released Human/Nature, which was a huge letdown compared to their previous album, but I will relisten to it at some point to make sure I wasn’t just in a bad mood that day.

The Birthday Massacre released Diamonds, which might be their weakest album since their debut, but contained some real gems (I listened to The Last Goodbye on a loop, it floored me. Flashback and Enter are also very good).

The 1975 released Notes On A Conditional Form, and let’s be real, it’s a f█cking mess. You could cut half the tracks and end up with an excellent album, but as it is it’s like, yes, a collection of notes ; however there’s some truely excellent shit on it (see unelligible songs).

Thanks to a friend on a discord server I was exposed to Dorian Electra’s music and I haven’t been quite the same ever since. I’m so happy to be alive to see other enbies making such great music with an insanely good aesthetic surrounding it and asking so many interesting questions about gender. Also the arc the ‘gentleman’ character goes through over the course of the entire tracklist of the 2020 My Agenda album is absolutely hilarious, don’t @ me.

I also discovered 100 Gecs this year. Why are most of you guys saying it’s unlistenable garbage. It’s just as abrasive and over the top as industrial music is, but with none of the edginess or drama. I love it. What the hell. But yeah Tree of Clues was released this year. Good.

Speaking of industrial, in March 2020 Nine Inch Nails were like “hey remember when we released Ghosts I-IV a decade ago entirely for free and how amazing that was? Well we’re all in lockdown and bored as hell so here’s Ghosts V-VI and it’s also free. Enjoy” and I f█cking died instantly. And it’s even better than I-IV. What the hell was that year

Jonsi released Shiver. It’s strange and highly experimental. I’m pretty sure it’s a good thing I was into hyperpop this year, otherwise going from his previous material straight to this album would have been brutal.

Yadda yadda yadda After Hours by the Weeknd good yadda yadda.

I’ve joked about that already but if you had told me in 2019 that 2020 would have fires, a pandemic, riots, monoliths appearing and disappearing, and also a super good Machine Gun Kelly album, guess which part I would have found the most ridiculous. But yeah uh. Tickets to my Downfall good

So uh this year I tried to listen to some hyperpop and liked it a lot, and I also dipped my toes timidly into screamo and listened to Svalbard, who released When I Die this year, and the entire album was a very beautiful, very intricately decorated punch to the face. It sounds like God Is An Astronaut except with a shit ton of yelling. I love it. Open Wound is my favorite track on it.

But no, despite all of this, my album of the year was from a band I had never even heard about before that year, called Spanish Love Songs. The album is titled Brave Faces Everyone and it’s line after line after line of extremely relatable generational angst but yelled with complete sincerity and it’s so propulsive and energetic you can’t help but feel both exhausted and ready to fight the entire universe. I don’t know how it works, but it’s incredible. The entire album is wonderfully brutal, so it’s kind of difficult to pick my favorite songs on it, but Beachfront Property and the title track stand out.

Unelligible songs, now, and there’s, uh, quite a few of them too so I’m also gonna use bullet points. Good lord this post is gonna be long.

First, let me say I have literally no idea why Midnight Sky by Miley Cyrus wasn’t a bigger hit. It’s not on the year-end US top 100 and it feels extremely wrong. Would have made it to #4 on this list otherwise.

I still entertain the vague hope that stuff from Machine Gun Kelly will chart higher in 2021 but I doubt it will happen so I might as well tackle it now and say that Bloody Valentine and especially Forget Me Too are both excellent and that it’s a shame radios aren’t playing them more often.

Heaven by the late Avicii featuring Coldplay should have charted in 2019 and still didn’t chart in 2020 and that’s a real shame.

If the world was a bit less unfair, Lovesick Girls by Blackpink would have been a hit rather than the awful Ice Cream.

One day I will stop complaining about my bafflement concerning the lack of mainstream pop charts success of The 1975. Today is not that day. I just love how they keep making songs about extremely awkward relationships full of weird details, and I haven’t grown tired of that yet. So yeah If You’re Too Shy is about a guy who’s crush is asking him to get naked on Skype in his hotel room and he’s, uh, not too sure about that idea.

And Me & You Together is about a guy who never finds the right moment to tell his best friend he’s in love with her, and he manages to do so at the end and it’s cute as hell. My fave part is “I'm sorry that I'm kinda queer / It's not as weird as it appears / It's 'cause my body doesn't stop me (Stop me) / Oh, it's okay, lots of people think I'm gay / But we're friends, so it's cool, why would it not be?”. Relatable as f█ck.

And now for an international hit that should have been bigger in the US and/or in my country but wasn’t: Head & Heart by Joel Corry and MNEK.

I’ve heard Nos Célébrations by Indochine extremely often on French radio for months now so I was very surprised to see that it didn’t crack the local year-end list. What happened.

I can finally hear the appeal of Bring Me The Horizon. It took me ages. And also Death Stranding. The song Ludens isn’t in the game per say, but it’s among the ones you can pick to broadcast briefly when people drive by your constructions, and long story short it's been living rent-free in my head for months now.

Phew.

It’s time for a round of Honorable Mentions for elligible songs, containing a couple of guilty pleasures, which is saying something considering the kind of shit I put on some of my previous lists.

Ne Reviens Pas (Gradur et Heuss l’Enfoiré) - Heuss is a French artist that kept baffling me while making my lists for the previous years, and I was like “??? ok, that’s it then, I guess I’m getting too old to get what teenagers find funny”. This one worked for me, though. And the music video doesn’t hurt. Really dumb and really fun.

Adore You (Harry Styles) - Perfectly good little pop song, very pleasant to listen to, never outstayed its welcome for me.

Mood (24kGoldn) - This doesn’t sound like a very good relationship, my dude, but that’s still a super pleasant song.

WAP (Cardi B & Megan Thee Stallion) - This song is absolutely hilarious and I will hear no argument from any of you.

Control (Zoe Wees) - Was clearly a hit here. Should have been even bigger though. What a powerful but comfy voice. If I had better taste it would be on the list.

Hot Girl Bummer (Blackbear) - I. Uh. Listen. I keep saying I have bad taste and nobody believes me. Do you believe me now. But yeah. “F█ck you, and you, and you~, I hate your friends and they hate me too” is gonna pop in my head every single time someone is being a jerk anywhere near me now. It’s been happening all year already. Someone trashed my documents at work? Someone isn’t wearing a mask in public? That guy has filled his car with rolls of toilet paper? Brain goes “F█ck you, and you, and you~”. Every. Single. Time.

Come & Go (Juice WRLD & Marshmello ) - Damn, that’s a pretty good little song. I’ve seen plenty of people saying it’s ruined by the drop, but may I remind you I’m the person who loves Blue by Eiffel 65 with all my heart. If the song was ramping up consistently until the end instead of ending like that, it would have made the list, definitely.

And now, the actual list. This one actually feels pretty solid, I genuinely like everything on it, there’s no filler here for once.

10 - The Box (Roddy Rich)

US: #3 / FR: #23

Now this is a weird case, because for the longest time I couldn’t figure out why this song was so popular and I was completely neutral about it. Then, one morning in September, my mental jukebox (which always, always puts a song on a loop in my head when I wake up) decided to play it. And I was like oh wow?? I never noticed the atmosphere in that song before? It’s so great. And that hook too. Let’s listen to it.

So yeah, I don’t know what happened. It just clicked one day and everything fell into place, I guess.

9 - Alane (Wes & Robin Shulz)

US: Not on the list / FR: #93

Come on. You can’t do a remake of one of my previous #1 songs and let it chart in 2020. That’s cheating. Even with this subpar drop, I have to put it on the list, now.

I’ve already said my piece about the original, so I’m just going to send you back to my 1997 list.

8 - Kings and Queens (Ava Max)

US: Not on the list / FR: #76

[BBC documentary voice] After Lady Gaga decided to make piano balads and left her musical niche vacant, Ava Max quickly took her place as the top predator pop diva. Even after Lady Gaga was re-introduced to her natural habitat in 2020, she still hasn’t fully recovered in Europe, where Ava Max still reigns supreme on the charts -

(tldr I think it’s hilarious that this isn’t on the US Billboard while Lady Gaga isn’t on the French year-end top 100)

7 - Roses (Saint Jhn & Imanbek)

US: #19 / FR: #3

What an earworm. It doesn’t even bother trying to have an intro or an outro, so it loops almost perfectly. It’s like entering a party that started long before you arrived, and it will go on long after you leave it to go back home. Kind of hypnotic in a way.

And yes, my mental jukebox was very fond of using it to wake me up this year, so this is another song that’s here almost solely because of that.

6 - Physical (Dua Lipa)

US: Not on the list / FR: #69 (hehehe)

“Hey I’m not that old” says the guy who’s definitely a sucker for this kind of retro throwback that was so popular this year. Oh well.

I don’t have anything interesting to say about this one, though. Apart from the fact that everyone seems to have a different fave song on that album. Guess that’s quality for you.

5 - Rain on Me (Lady Gaga & Ariana Grande)

US: #48 / FR: Not on the list

That is far from being Lady Gaga’s best song, but it was a joy to listen to everytime it was on the radio anyway. Also Ariana Grande has surprisingly good chemistry with Gaga! This year was full of strange duets mostly made for commercial reasons, and this one isn’t an exception, but unlike a lot of them, it really, really works.

4 - Dynamite (BTS)

US: #38 / FR: Not on the list

I’m still not 100% sold on k-pop even if a ton of it sounds super good, but come on. Even if some bits of this song (especially the beginning of the second chorus) sound a bit like they were made on autopilot, it still sounds just as happy and fun several months after I first heard it and I never got tired of it. That’s quality. You hear it and you can’t help but tap your feet and smile.

Actually, I’m sure there’s people somewhere that don’t smile when they hear this song. And they must be avoided at all costs.

3 - Godzilla (Eminem ft Juice WRLD)

US: #62 / FR: Not on the list

What are you doing so high on this list, old man. Why are you still here in the year 2020. I thought we left you in the previous decade. Who gave you the right.

I’m gonna tell you who did, and it’s actually Juice WRLD. Because that chorus is incredible, and like a lot of people I’m pissed off because the guy died super young and this shit shouldn’t happen to anybody. No, his early material wasn’t great, but I’m sorry I’m gonna say it again: have you heard this damn chorus? It’s suspenseful and dark, it’s got this lowkey menacing quality, it’s an earworm and a half, and it’s more convincing in like six lines than Eminem’s own flexing is in the entire song.

The beat is extremely good as well, and the flow, obviously, impressive. The weakest link is Eminem’s writing, which is as usual full of puns and weird wordplay, except here a lot of it isn’t great, and that last ultra fast part at the end is technically impressive but it also drives the song up a cliff and stops it dead in its tracks once it’s over. But frankly the lines fly by so fast it’s difficult to be too annoyed by them.

Can I sincerely put this extremely flawed song so high on my list? A better question would be “did I spend hours trying to learn how to sing this shit without choking on my own spit?”. The answer is yes. To both.

2 - Heartless (The Weeknd)

US: #28 / FR: Not on the list

I’ve said it on my 2015 and 2016 lists already, but just for the record I’ll say it again: it took me ages to like The Weeknd, mostly because I found most of his songs fairly boring, or disliked the lyrics, or both. Also I never really liked the general vibe of his “sexy” songs like The Hills, they felt dark but in an unpleasant creepy way. Felt like miserable hedonism, if that makes sense.

So, because I’m a person with extremely consistent and logical tastes, here’s the exact same shit he was making before, except that this time I absolutely adore it.

What is he doing differently that makes the whole After Hours album click for me whereas almost all of his previous material failed to do so? Is it the energy? Is it the reverb? Is it the fact that the narrator sounds properly unhinged and, frankly, scared to be spiralling out of control? Why are the colors so beautiful yet full of anxiety? Why is that bridge so fantastic? How can you make your voice look like a glowstick in the dark?

I give up. I have no clue. At least I’m done talking about-

Oh.

1 - Blinding Lights (The Weeknd)

US: #1 / FR: #1 (listen sometimes something’s just that good, ok)

Surprise. Or not.

Wow, look at that, Johannes has put this year’s number one pop song at number one on their personal playlist. The audacity. The edge. What a hot take.

I discovered that song when it first came out at the end of 2019 and I adored it instantly. And I was so scared it wouldn’t be a hit. Which means I’m a f█cking dumbass considering it ended up breaking all sorts of records in 2020. But what can I say, overplay can be a blessing when you love a song that much.

Like every single song I put at number one on one of my lists, I will draw this one at some point and you will understand how incredibly satisfying it is to listen to a song called Blinding Lights, talking about city lights looking blurry when you’re driving at night, while looking itself like a bunch of blurry city lights passing by super fast. Perfect in every way.

Also it sounds exactly like A-ha, and that never hurts.

See you next year! Pretty sure it will be even better music-wise.

[jawritter]

You and Me...

Chapter 6

***SERIES WARNINGS**** Rape, non-con, male!rape, injury, violence, description of injury caused by rape, nightmares, self-harm, panic attacks, implied female non-con, language, ass hole Jensen, hurt!Jensen, dark fic, smut. If there is anything else I will add it as I go.

***Chapter Warnings*** VERY BIG TRIGGER WARNING!! This chapter contains descriptions of injuries and heavy implications of Male Rape! Please know I don’t take this sort of thing lightly, and I was gentle as possible in the descriptions and implications as I could be, but still getting the story across as well!! Hints of mental disturbance, language probably, kidnapping, Angst, overall this one is pretty heavy.

Word Count: 2790

Pairing: Jensen Ackles x Reader, Jared x Reader, OFC Justin X Reader, OFC Steve x Reader

A/N: Anyway, all mistakes are mine, please don’t copy my work, Feedback is golden. If you want to be added to the series tag list, or my tag list just let me know! I hope you enjoy this one. After this chapter things tend to start to pick up a little.

Summary: It’s funny how one choice you made can change your whole life. One mistake can alter your course, and set you on a path that forever will haunt you. Two people find themselves getting through one of the hardest trials of Jensen’s life, on just one small promise. You and Me. We’ll get through it together…

Want more? Check out my Masterlist!!

***MASTERLIST***

***YOU AND ME MASTERLIST***

It had been three days since Jensen had been to the studio. 

Steve had tried calling him but got no answer. Steve was starting to get worried, therefore he was making sure everyone in the office was on edge because that was just Steve. 

"Maybe he changed his mind," you mumble, looking through the recordings that had already been done, and checking to make sure all the copyrights for the songs he wanted to do were sent off, and ready just in case he did decide to show back up.

"He can't change his mind! He's under contract to finish this album here in this studio," Steve gritted out, going through Jensen's paperwork looking for another contact to try. 

"Damn Steve, you put that shit on lock didn't you?" Justin said, spinning his chair in circles like an overgrown kid, not really concerned as to whether or not Jensen showed back up. He didn’t seem to like Jensen all that much anyway.

Steve turned to give him his best bitchface. "This album could put our studio on the map,"  he said coldly. “We need this guy to finish this album.”

Then something dawns on you, something you had totally forgotten about. You had Misha's number. 

You were going to send him a donation to his charity, and while he was here he gave it to you so that he could text you the address to send the money in to. 

"I have Misha's number, try him, maybe he knows a way to contact him," you glancing over your shoulder, and Steve looks at you like he wants to kill you for waiting until now to let that little piece of information out. 

Pulling out your phone and text him the phone number, and as soon as his phone buzzed with the number he was calling it, walking into the office, and leaving you and Justin to sit in silence on the other side of the door, listening to see if you could hear something. All the two of you seemed to make out was a muffled conversation that honestly sounded like it was very one-sided, with Misha doing the majority of the talking.

After about 15 minutes Steve walked back into the main recording room pale, and a little nauseated, flopping down in the chair next to you. 

"What I'm about to tell you guys doesn't leave this room," Steve said, looking between Justin and yourself. Your heart jumped speed. You didn't like the way he said that. 

"Three days ago Jensen was forcibly taken from Jared's bar when he was helping a bartender close up. They just found him today. He's at St. David's South Austin Medical Center," Steve looked down at the ground, and then back up at you two like he was unsure whether or not to tell you both the rest of the story. 

"Is he okay?" you asked. 

You weren’t exactly sure why your heart fell to your feet. Your hand ideally ran across the hand he touched just a few days ago taking his coffee from you.

"Was it some crazy super fan?" Justin asked, looking at Steve like he was bullshitting the two of you. 

Steve turned a little greener. 

"No, it wasn't a fan apparently,” Steve took a deep breath in order to settle himself.  

“Jensen and Jennifer hooked up a little over a week ago. Apparently, things didn’t go exactly the way she’d hoped, so when she got home she told her brother that Jensen had raped her. He and a few of his buddies took Jensen, and for three days kept him locked in a hotel... Returning the favor," Steve stopped talking, pinching the bridge of his nose and closing his eyes tight. Taking a deep breath to stave off the urge to throw up, or scream because he felt like doing both.

You fought to keep your breakfast down. The room seemed to be spinning. Your heart broke for him. Why you didn't know. What the hell? Why do you care so much? He was nothing but a complete and total ass to you! He hated you! Still, you couldn’t shake the gut-wrenching feeling deep down inside of you no matter how hard you tried to.

---------------------------------------

Later that night you paced around your apartment with Steve's words ringing in your head. You couldn't imagine what Jensen had gone through over the past three days. It made you sick to your stomach every time you thought about it. 

Grabbing your purse you decide, probably against your better judgment, to head to the hospital. You had to see him. You didn't understand why, you had to see that he was okay. 

So now you found yourself walking through the halls of the hospital looking for a nurse to ask which room they were keeping Jensen in. Holding your studio ID tight in your hand, hoping it was enough for them to let you into his room. This late at night you would think there would be more nurses roaming the halls, but things were still and quiet, not much movement at all.

You were just about to give up. You had just about walked the whole hospital, and no one seemed to know where he was. Making your way back to the second-floor elevators you pressed the button impatiently, wondering if maybe they moved him to a different hospital, or if he just asked people to not come to visit him right now, so they were keeping his location a secret or something. 

It was stupid to come here in the first place. Jensen hated your guts. He wouldn't want to see you, so why the hell were you even here? That’s what your brain was screaming at you, and you had just about resided to the fact that it was right, and you were being an idiot by coming here.

Annoyed that the elevator was taking so long to open you were about to turn to take the stairs when you heard the familiar ding of the doors opening. Looking up you come face to... well... mid-chest... with Jared. 

"Y/N!" Jared said, wrapping you in a bone-crushing hug. He looked exhausted. The amount of puffiness and redness around his eyes told you he had been crying. "What are you doing here?" he asked, surprised to see you standing there. 

"Misha told us what happened. I came to see Jensen, but I can't find his room. No one seems to know where he is, or at least they don't want to tell me," you tell him, embarrassed that you even came you stared down at your feet.

Jared draped a long arm around your shoulders turning you around and headed toward the end of the hallway with you, stopping in front of room 241 he turned to face you. 

"Y/N, I want to tell you what you're going to see in there. It's not pretty." 

You took a deep breath. Why the hell were you all in your feels right now?

"What did they do to him, Jared?" you asked, almost afraid of the answer. Jared swallowed hard, looking like he was about to start crying again. 

"They jumped him in my bar while he was waiting on the new guy I hired to close up. They tied him up, knocked him out, and dragged him out of the bar. The rest we are guessing. He hasn't said a word since the ambulance driver picked him up on the side of the road where they dumped him when they were done with him. According to the doctors, it looks like he was tied down to something, then was repeatedly violated. That’s all we know, and he’s not telling." 

You held the vomit back that threatened in the back of your throat. Both you and Jared shivered involuntarily.

"When I first saw him he was covered in blood, and what looked like vomit. They had to sedate him to clean it all off of him and do the examination. Every time someone touches him he freaks out. They couldn't even get him as clean as they wanted because he was fighting so hard. From what I understand they cut the twist ties off of his wrist in the ambulance. They said he was just dumped completely naked, and still tied. Some dick truck driver saw him, and called the ambulance, but didn’t have the decency to stop and help him. Just kept on driving.”

Jared watched as you tried to compose yourself, the flood of emotions that were hitting you as he told you how he was found was more than you thought it would be for you. 

"You sure you wanna go in there?" he asked you when you finally could breathe properly.”I get it if you don’t.”  

"Yeah. I need to see him." 

Jared never questioned, he just shook his head and opened the door. 

At first, you didn't even see him lying in the bed. It just looked like a heap of covers in the middle of the bed. Moving around the bed you finally found the top of his head. 

He was laying on his side with his back to the door, the covers pulled all the way up almost over his head. 

"Jay...  Y/N's here to see you," Jared said, walking around the bed first. 

The heap of cover never moved. Jared looked at you apologetically. 

You slowly made your way around the bed, afraid of what you were going to see. He looked so fragile lying there in that bed with monitor, wires and different IV's coming out from under the cover. There wasn't a lot of bruise on his face. Especially around his mouth. It was bruised all the way around his lips to almost his left ear. His lips were swollen and cracked.  You shuddered at the thought of what might have caused that. 

The rest of him was well covered, but for a scratched up hand sticking out from under the cover by his face. 

It was his eyes that got to you the most. 

He never made eye contact with you or Jared. He just stared at the wall between the two of you blankly. No light there at all. No movement. A very evident “the light's are on, but no one is home” look. 

You couldn't stop the cascade tears that were falling down your face. They had broken something deep inside him, and you didn’t have to be a doctor to see it. 

"Physically the injuries aren't permanent. It's the mental damage the doctors are worried about," Jared said, sitting on the small sofa next to his friend's bed, watching him closely. 

Jensen just continued to look at the wall as if the two of you weren’t even in the room, and no one was talking about him less than three feet away from his bed. 

There was a picture of him and his kids by the bed, no doubt brought there by Jared. He was smiling in the photo. He looked so happy. So contradictory to the broken man laying there in front of you. The longer you stood there you felt like your heart shattered into a million pieces. 

Everything in you wanted to pick him up and just hold him until he was okay again, even though you knew that him being “okay” again wouldn’t ever be that easy.

"Did he really do what they say he did to Jennifer?" you turned and asked Jared, feeling like you were going to be sick again looking at the dirt and dried blood under his fingernails. 

You tried to keep your mind from wondering whether the blood was his, or his attackers. You weren’t very successful.

"I don't know, and I'm not trying to justify anything he may have done, but do you think he would have deserved this? I was there when he asked her to dinner with him. She was definitely more than willing to show up at his house wearing next to nothing." 

He was right of course. No one deserved what Jensen had been through. 

You sat down in the chair next to his bed. Jensen was still staring at the wall like he didn't even know the two of you were in there. Reflexively you reached for his hand, wanting to comfort him in some way, but he jerked it under the cover before you even got close, never making a sound. 

Even though he didn’t make a sound, he slowly looked up at you. Jared moved closer, not sure what he was going to do, but hoping that seeing you would pull him out of whatever mental cage he had enclosed himself in. 

He did nothing. He stared at you for maybe a whole minute. A single tear slipping down his face then looked back at the wall. The blank look never once leaving his eyes. 

Nurses came in checking the monitors while you and Jared sat next to Jensen talking, trying to avoid the subject of Jensen's injuries in front of him. Neither of you wanted to upset him. Jensen never moved, still just staring at the wall. 

Finally, looking up at the clock you saw that it was close to 1 in the morning. Rubbing your face in frustration because even though you knew it was late you didn't want to leave him. He had dozed on and off while the two of you sat there talking, but he seemed to be awake right then. The amount of drugs they were giving him to manage his pain level probably didn't help his current state either. Still, you couldn't imagine the physical pain he was in. You didn't even want to think about what was going on in his head. Still, it was late, and you needed to let Jared get some rest. 

"It's getting late, I need to let you rest. I'll come by tomorrow after work if that's okay," you tell Jared, reaching down to grabbing your purse. When you leaned down to grab your purse you had put your hand on the bed to brace yourself.  It was something you did without thinking. Just a natural movement.

So lightly you almost didn't notice it you feel a calloused hand lay softly on top of yours. Looking up you see Jensen had reached over and grabbed your hand. Both yourself and Jared held your breath. For the first time, Jensen slowly made full eye contact with you, and not like he was looking through you with the same blank look on his face. 

It was eerie and unnatural. Even though he was physically there, and probably knew vaguely where he was, he seemed to mentally be millions of miles away.

You went to take your hand away just to see what he would do, testing the waters kind of. When you did he tightened his grip on your hand, holding it in place. 

"Jay," Jared said, trying to get his friend to look at him. 

Jensen never spoke, but he did look at him with tears falling from his deep green eyes. It almost looked like he was on the edge of panic, but wasn’t quite mentally there enough to fall over that edge. 

"Are you in pain?" Jared asked. 

Jensen did nothing. 

"Do you not want Y/N to leave?" he asked Jensen again. 

Jensen did nothing, just stared back and forth between Jared and yourself. 

Closing his eyes he slipped back into his drug-induced sleep with a death grip still on your hand.

For just a moment you considered staying, you did stay for another hour, Jensen never moved again, just slept. Honestly, it's what his body needed. To rest. So you gently slipped your hand out of his, gave Jared a hug, and your number, telling him to call you if he needed anything, and made your way to the door, letting both men get some rest. 

When you finally got back to your car you sat there completely broken-hearted for the man lying in that hospital bed.

You hadn't realized it till right now. Seeing him so broken had brought it right in the front of your attention. 

You didn't hate him like you thought. 

You felt something else entirely. 

This changes things.

For you anyway. Jensen had a long road ahead of him. Last you knew he hated you. Starting your car you wiped away the tears that were still falling from your own eyes. Praying to whoever was listening that you didn't get your heartbroken and that he could recover from this.

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[maple-writes]

WHG 15: Post Games 8

@concealeddarkness13 (thanks for Triel) (Only tagging you this time since I realize after I wrote this Indigo's side isn't super relevant to the overall plot lol)

###

Indigo went back to work a few days after Triel’s beating. Her rib still hurt like all hell when she moved in the wrong way but any longer and people would start to ask questions. It was exhausting though, more than usual, checking on her employees and ongoing projects with her side aching and Aurora all but breathing down her neck with how many times she’d tried to get her to come join her for dinner that week. After the last time she didn’t need to get drilled again. Thankfully Churi seemed to be giving her a little bit of space for now at least.

The last of her staff went home for the day and Indigo leaned back as far as she dared in her office chair. She should really be going home too, but she didn’t move. Even being back for a while now she was behind on reports and queries, and everything really. She could catch up at home but her stomach dropped just thinking about it. Who knew how Warren would be today, whether they’d be fine or in tears when she walked in the door. She groaned, draping an arm over her eyes. All she wanted to do was lie down and sleep but that wasn’t an option. Not here.

She glanced at the calendar on her desk. Right. On top of everything one of her favorite projects was going to be terminated tomorrow. Indigo pushed herself back up, wincing at the sharp ache in her side. The least she could do was check on the bird one last time.

Indigo’s footsteps echoed though the empty hall lit by dim running lights. The last staff to leave for the night must not have realized she hadn’t gone home. Not like she really needed the light to navigate by anyway. She’d gone this way more than enough times before now.

Scanning her card she slipped into the wing where the live specimens were kept. This late at night most were sleeping. Only some stirred when she passed their enclosures and even then they raised their heads just long enough to recognize her and go back to sleep.

The bird was no different. Indigo stopped in front of her enclosure. A clipboard hung on the door, marked with the file name Parrot Cross – Weapon Class ver. IV. The bird blinked away as Indigo unlocked the door and held out an arm.

“Ivy, come.” The bird fluttered down from her perch and landed softly on her arm. “Good girl.”

Indigo stroked the soft feathers along the back of her head, smiling when Ivy leaned into the touch. It was stupid, getting attached to any one of these mutts but there was something about this one. She was clever, clever enough to pick favorites and she didn’t think it evaded Snow how the bird seemed to obey her more eagerly than his peacekeepers. She sighed. By the time she gave it a nickname it was too late to not start to care for her.

“I know it’s late,” Indigo murmured as she stepped out of the enclosure with the bird. “But how about we go for a little walk?”

She nudged Ivy up onto her shoulder and brought her out of the wing and back through the abandoned halls. Passing under the lights her feathers shone bright colours. Even her claws, huge and sharp and hooked seemed to gleam. Her beak and the short claws at the edge of her wing shone less bright, more smooth and hardened to grip and tear. Ivy’s head swiveled as they passed doors and offices and posters hung on the walls. She’d never been out this way, out of the lab proper, and chattered excitement into Indigo’s ear.

“I know a place you might like.” She smiled up at the bird, looking down at her like she understood her every word. Her smile faded though when she remembered why she had her out in the first place. “It’s the least I can do for you. Let you stretch your wings a little bit.”

She stopped at her office for her bag and some files before taking Ivy to the lunch room that might have originally been planned to be a proper cafeteria. The room was wide with high ceilings and vent systems Ivy could hop around and perch on. Indigo closed the door behind them and released Ivy to explore. Massive wingbeats echoed through the empty room as she took off straight for the exposed pipes on the ceiling. She left her a moment to grab a little pouch of frozen berries from the freezer, tossing one for Ivy before sitting at one of the tables.

Ivy caught the berry mid-flight and Indigo smiled just a little before opening the file she brought with her. She put on some music to fill the silence but it didn’t seem to help. The words all blurred together and nothing stuck. Her mind wandered too far. Ever since Triel’s video she’d had to keep a closer eye on how her subordinates in Umbra Ursa were doing. If they found out she knew where Skyler was this whole time and didn’t go after him… There’d be mutiny. There was already something rumbling just under the surface, something she couldn’t put together. She’d been Ursa Major for a long time now. Long enough for ambitions to simmer. Then there was Aurora. If she found out about that video she would have her head, as if she wasn’t probably more than halfway there already.

Something moved in at the edge of the room and Indigo turned half-heartedly. None other than Triel stood cursing under her breath and staring. Indigo startled and dropped her paper.

Was she here to kill her? Indigo whistled to get Ivy’s attention and quickly signed “block” and pointed to the door. The bird swooped down and landed herself down to block the entrance. At least now Triel couldn’t make a quick getaway with Ivy at her back, even if she was here to finish what she started.

But Indigo didn’t get up. It wasn’t worth the ache it would bring. “Here to cause more problems?”

Triel crossed her arms. “I could ask you the same question.”

Fuck, she didn’t have the energy for this tonight. She leaned back in her chair and sighed up towards the dusty ceiling. “Really?” There was an edge to her voice, not enough to maim but enough. “This is mylab. Is it so strange I would be here?”

“You never stay this late. That’s why I specificallypicked this time.” How did she know that? Or better question, was it really that late already? “Do you really think I want to see your face right now?”

“There’s a very short list of people who genuinely want to see me so no, no I don’t think you want to see my face.” Did anyone? Did anyone really go out of their way to see her with no motive? Indigo huffed and shoved her papers away. “Especially after what you did to it last time.”

Triel smiled, the little shit. “Did you find the video I sent you amusing?”

She glanced at the mutt, eyes heavy and shoulders slouching. “No, not really.” Why lie? “Impressive you made it but you’re causing a lot of trouble for me right now.”

“Good. So, what horror are you working on right now?”

Indigo’s face fell and she gestured to Ivy. “Her?” That bird was hardly a horror. She paused a moment, lowering her voice when she continued. “She’s being destroyed tomorrow. She was meant for peacekeepers as aerial support but they said she didn’t perform correctly.” She raised her hands and signed “OK” to the bird, and she flew over to land in front of her and pluck a berry out of her outstretched hand.

She’d been there for part of the preliminary work between Ivy and one of Snow’s units. Whatever they taught to peacekeepers these days it wasn’t what made for an effective handler. How could they be confused why the bird didn’t seem eager to perform when there was no reward for her, and all her orders were shouted and given by force instead of any attempt at cooperation? Indigo clenched her teeth. She’d watched a peacekeeper give an unclear order and yell at her, and another strike her out of frustration.

“It’s bullshit.” Indigo spat. “They wanted something semi-autonomous and didn’t like it when it displayed autonomy and bit someone who handled her roughly.” Not to mention when she made her own decisions, adjusted her orders by what she saw. What they wanted was a robot, not a mutt. Ivy was nothing but effective with just a little respect.

Triel inched a little further into the room and signed “come,” to the bird and held out an arm.

Ivy cocked her head a moment but in the next she obeyed perfectly. A few wingbeats and she landed on Triel’s forearm. She shifted, careful not to break the skin with her talons and Indigo had to swallow against the bitterness in her mouth. If only Snow’s forces were as competent as some unpredictable teenaged girl and maybe Ivy would have stood a chance.

“That sounds familiar.” Triel growled, looking from the bird to Indigo before taking a deep breath but it didn’t seem to get rid of the anger in her voice. “You’re not trying to convince me of anything right now, so you don’t have to tell me bullshit anymore: Where is Churi holding my crew?”

Was that what she was here for? “I told you the truth. They got out and I don’t know where they are now.” As far as she knew Churi and the others hadn’t the slightest idea either but Triel didn’t seem the type to just take her word for it. Indigo leaned down to her bag and pulled out her bottle of wine and a little travel cup, thankful she’d thought to bring it with her. “I don’t have any need to lie to you. I’d tell you if I knew.” She opened the bottle and poured herself a cup, set the bottle down and nodded towards the side of the room. “There might be a glass in the cupboard there if you want some.” If Triel was having a night anything like hers, she’d appreciate a drink.

Triel took her up on the offer, grabbing the first glass she saw and filling it up with Indigo’s wine. She downed the first glass all at once and poured a second as Ivy shuffled off her arm and onto the table. Indigo slouched in her chair, heart falling just a little. It couldn’t have been easy being her right now.

“I call bullshit on that because what about—” her voice cracked, “about Shine? That was their decoy phone. So, you had to have known where they were to have that.”

Indigo raised her cup to her lips and took a long, slow sip. She let her eyes wander from Triel to Ivy as she sat and preened on the table. What should she say? That Shine was alive and well? But she couldn’t, not if she wanted to keep Triel in line and by extension further out of Churi’s wrath.

This was for her own good. “They were alone. The whereabouts of the others are still unknown.” Maybe it would help, just a little, to know the others were safe.

Triel’s grip on her cup tightened, knuckles white as her voice wavered. “Why did you have to kill them? You—you told me you could use them. And that would have been hell, but at least they would have been alive. At least I would have been able to do something.”

She choked and Indigo couldn’t bring herself to look. “I’m sorry, Triel.” It was the closest she could come to telling her the truth. “Others got to them first and by the time I got there the best I could do was make it quick.”

“Did you know that the Capitol has a person who can magically heal wounds, even though it makes them hurt so much worse?” Anger shook her words. “I do, because that’s what they’ve used to keep my magic in check.” She slammed her now empty glass down the table hard enough to make Ivy twist her head in surprise. “So, I call bullshit on that.”

Indigo clenched her teeth and jutted forward. “What do you want me to say?” She snapped. “Would you rather I took Churi’s approach and beat them to death? Or cut them up over and over for whatever wizard to patch them up to do it again?”

“If they wee still alive, I could save them.” Triel stood and signed “come,” to Ivy, glaring down at Indigo as the bird landed on her arm. “And if you fucking touch any of my friends again, you’ll get worse than just a bruised face. You piece of shit. I’m taking Mina before you can destroy another life.”

Mina? “Her name is Ivy.” Indigo glared, anger rising more than she would have liked but it was gone too quick, replaced by something heavier, colder, and she leaned back. Destroy another life. It was true, wasn’t it? “She’s an omnivore, and she likes berries.” She whispered and tried to loosen the vice around her throat but now, tonight, there wasn’t much she could do to stop it even as she tossed Triel what was left of the berry pouch.

She’d take care of her. If she could keep crewmates loyal enough to risk their lives for her she could be trusted to treat Ivy fairly.

Triel nodded, catching the bag in one hand. “I’m taking Ivybefore you can destroy another life.”

She left, the door shut, and it was just her again. Hunching forward to rest her head in a propped up hand she hardly heard the low music anymore, staring down at the plain tabletop. She should be grateful for Triel showing up like that, in the nick of time and taking Ivy somewhere safe but… The ceilings towering high above and the dozens of empty tables around her but it was her own fault. Triel was right.

Enough. Indigo forced herself to sit up again. She opened her file again, turned her music up and tried again. If she could push everything else aside, she could get this done. She just had to focus.